'I'm no misogynist'
2009-09-08 10:30
It was called to my attention (by an indignant female friend no less) that Marc Ashton over at Fin24 had accused me of misogyny in his column last week (I think Fin24 is a website that specialises in running stories on interest rate hikes and similarly depressing news, but no one I spoke to had ever heard of it).
Marc, I must congratulate on a shrewd move. Mentioning such exalted wit in your first few paragraphs is always bound to pique the reader's interest. However, accusing someone of hating women is grave business indeed, so after initially glowing in my debut mention on Fin24, I soon became slightly offended. In fact, I was aghast.
I rang Mr Ashton up and demanded an apology on the front page of the Sunday Times and a briefcase full of contrition money for hurting my feelings. I also told him he was a racist. That always shuts us whiteys up.
Mr Ashton was writing something about women in the workplace and how, although they are finally staking a claim as top-level corporate gang leaders, the recognition and attention women receive is not yet comparable with their male counterparts. I can't remember the rest, because I fell asleep at the start of the third paragraph.
Anyway, how my alleged "hatred of women" had anything to do with women promoting themselves in the business world I'll never know. I love women. They have boobs, they keep you warm at night, they make much better meals than guys, their faces aren't hairy (well, most of them), they have boobs and they do that cute thing once a month where they go absolutely nuts for five days and pretend to be some vengeful evil banshee clone of themselves. That's adorable, man.
And I especially love women in the workplace. I'm telling you, if it weren't for women strutting their stuff in the business world men would never go to work. The only thing keeping the economy moving forward in this bleak time of recession is the knowledge that you have the chance to speak to some office belter in a confined space. She has no escape and will more than likely relent to your date requests.
Imagine back in the dark old days when grey men worked in grey offices with other grey men, and women baked bread back at home with no shoes on. Naspers itself used to be a dire, drab place of employ. I know because I walked through there once and by the time I stepped out the building I was wearing pleated slacks, spoke fluent Afrikaans and was sporting a moustache.
Then they hired a woman and look what happened. A slick rebranding, a sleek glass-swathed headquarters and now they own everything. Even America. Rumour has is that there's even an English person working at Naspers these days.
Also, it's no coincidence that the advent of snappy office attire (dazzling pinstripes, gauche yet giddy pink shirts and the like) coincided with women being let out of the apron and into the boardroom. The rise of the female executive has given men a reason to live again. The competitive juices, amongst others, are flowing in the office environment again, and it's all down to women.
Plus, and this is important gentlemen so pay attention, for so long women have been able to sleep their way to the top. Now, thanks to female directors, CEOs and so on, men can take the easy way up and just have a quick nap over if they want to skip a few rungs on the way up the corporate ladder. Ta da.
Misogyny indeed. Honestly, some columnists should just get the facts right before they start being accusatory.
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