David Moseley

In a flap over Rhodes

2015-04-10 14:19

David Moseley

While many have cheered the removal of the offensive Cecil John Rhodes statue, some local residents of the Cape have expressed grave concern over “what next”?

As the statue literally took flight early this week, those with a longer history of hurling poop at Rhodes feel they have every right to wonder how the removal might affect them and their lavatory habits.

In a poll conducted while the statue was being removed and packed to be sent back to the Queen alongside a lit brown bag of protester poo, 97% of Western Cape pigeons agreed that this could change the way they shit forever.

“Pooping mid-flight could be a bit of a crapshoot from now on, especially if we have nothing to aim at,” says Jan Fly, leading pigeon celebrity and founder of the countrywide Fly Day, itself a day of controversy when all pigeons are asked to remember their heritage and enjoy a fly wherever they are in South Africa.

Former pigeon president, Thabo Mbeaki, was also a concerned onlooker as Rhodes was hoisted into the air to rapturous human applause all round. “It’s certainly a historic day in South Africa,” says Mbeaki. “In fact, you could say the wings of change are blowing through this country - though I wouldn’t be cheering too loudly if I was these humans. With Rhodes gone, their heads will certainly be at our mercy.”

It’s a little known fact that the Empire erected statues around the world not to honour their glorious achievements, but rather to force unruly pigeons to poop in one place.

With the forced removal of Rhodes, most rational South African pigeons now fear more statues could go the same way, leaving their more passionate - but sometimes less thoughtful brethren - little option but to crap all over the show.

“This seems like a bird-brained idea to me,” says leading pigeon scholar Jonathan Livingston Seagull Jansen. “To argue for removing Rhodes from campus, tearing down the statue and stuffing him in a museum, is not only anti-educational and anti-progressive, it is in fact to deny ourselves a place to poop.”

Some pigeons have suggested the removal is nothing more than a colour issue. Doves have been known to be more supportive of the Rhodes statue, going so far as to poop on Rhodes or Rhodes Memorial even if their grey friends happen to be there first.

However, political pigeon analyst Eflewbius McFlyser, thinks it’s high time the statue was gone. “The core issue is a prevalent feeling, and experience, of exclusion among (grey) pigeons in universities and towns across the country, even where they are a numerical majority.

These (mostly white dove) critics fail to grasp the aesthetic and moral assault on one’s entire being that occurs when a pigeon flies across a campus covered with statues and monuments and there’s nowhere to poop because the white doves have kicked the rest of us off.

Statues be gone, I say. Let all pigeonhood unite and finally start pooping on humans. After all, it’s not like they don’t deserve it.”

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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Read more on:    uct  |  cape town  |  cecil john rhodes  |  monuments debate


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