David Moseley

Is your president a Bond villain?

2015-02-17 09:08

David Moseley

It would seem that South Africa's president is not quite who he appears to be. In truth, the signs have been there for quite some time, but you never want to point fingers (or spill drinks) at Number One too hastily.

When the honourable JZ ousted Thabo Mbeki and his collection of cashmere sweaters from the capital there were some grumblings around the manner of his ascent to the presidential throne, and to the plush leather seat that the president presumably sits on while in office.

The dissenting voices have only grown louder over time, with many media outlets and some top lawmen and women suggesting the president is not the esteemed leader he professes to be. These are bold statements, especially when concrete evidence is hard to come by.

Luckily, in the time-honoured tradition of Buzzfeed investigative journalism, we’ve devised a way in which we can conclusively prove that Jacob Zuma is, in fact, Villain Number One.

Answer these simple questions to reveal the chilling hidden secret of South Africa’s giggliest president ever.

Does your president have a history with a secretive security force?
A Yes
B No
C I thought Mbokodo was Jan van Riebeeck’s fault?

Does your president have warm and congenial relations with a nuclear power that is renowned for its comical nuclear ineptitude as well as its big-headed bluster when it comes to international diplomacy (in which case, your president might also be an Austin Powers villain)?
A Yes
B No
C No one’s really going to let the Russians build nuclear power plants in South Africa, and then leave the instructions behind in Cyrillic, are they?

Does your president have an opulent mountain lair with an exotic name and high levels of security?
A Yes
B No
C Is he allowed to keep sharks in the fire pool?

Is your president surrounded by women who bend to his every whim?
A Yes
B No
C He’ll need a lot of gold paint…

Does your president have an evil pet?
A Yes
B No
C Does Baleka Mbete count?

Is your president consistently linked to mysterious deals involving foreign arms dealers and the ever-duplicitous French?
A Yes
B No
C I see the Eiffel Tower lights are shining today.

Is your president a man with a golden gun?
A Yes
B No
C I thought he called it his “Spear”?

Is your president in any way affiliated with a shady organisation that has an acronym for a name?
A Yes
B No
C Come on, we’re hardly a blip on the BRICs radar, and we only get a lower case “s” as it is.

Does your president have an evil, maniacal laugh?
A Yes
B Yes
C Yes

If you answered A to any of the above, then congratulations, your president is a Bond villain! Fear not, however, because his Machiavellian machinations will ultimately be foiled when an incompetent henchmen drops a wrench into the firing mechanism of the laser.

If you answered B to any of the above, then you are actually Jacob Zuma, and therefore, also a Bond villain. I hope you have henchman insurance.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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