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Keep quiet, silly woman

2012-06-05 11:48

David Moseley

In the Western Cape we’re truly blessed with some spectacular mountain biking routes. Having pedalled across most of them, I was keen to explore a new route that’s just been carved into a few wine farms in the Cape’s Elgin region. Robyn, as ever, was suitably up for the task.

With the bikes primed and eagerness buzzing at the prospect of some thrilling virgin single track we set off from the parking lot. Tell me if this sounds familiar...

“Don’t you want to take a map, they look pretty useful,” noted Robyn. A map? What on earth do we need a map for, how hard can it be to follow some red arrows? “Okay, suit yourself.”

We climbed up through a forest and were rewarded with lush green views of the Elgin Valley and surrounds. The sky was blue, the air was crisp and the mood was enthusiastic. Ah, what’s this... a crossroad? This way, Robyn, I know the route.

“Are you sure, because there’s a sign over here that says we should go straight.” Oh, keep quiet you silly woman, what do you know. This is definitely the path. Look, tyre tracks! “Okay, if you say so.”

Moments later, after hurdling a few suspiciously padlocked gates (“they obviously close the gates on a Sunday, Robyn. Stop panicking”) we were whooping and wheeling down some of the finest single track in the country, dodging cows and crossing slippery wooden bridges. Life couldn’t be better.

“You do realise that we’re not on the farm we should be on, David”. Robyn, what is your problem? Can’t you just enjoy the ride? “I am, but we’re two farms away from where we should be.” Nonsense, woman. Look, a sign. I’m right. Shut it.

“Those signs don’t match the first two that we saw. I think we’re lost. And while we’re at it, have you not noticed that we’ve been cycling downhill for an hour. The map at the start said we should climb for the first 10km.” Rubbish. You obviously had it upside down. Silly engineer.

And so eventually we started to climb. And climb. And climb.

Sjoe, Robs, this route feels a lot longer than the one advertised. And why do you think the last four gates we’ve come to were all locked? Weird hey?

Patience of a saint

Robyn, now worryingly calm, yet somehow managing to enunciate her words expertly through crocodile-strength clenched teeth: “I’m not sure, sweetheart. But perhaps we took a wrong turn somewhere. I know you don’t believe me, but I’m almost certain that the last gate saying ‘do not enter, game reserve’ was not really meant to be circumvented.”

Nonsense, if that was the case why would they have the side entrance next to the electric gate?

Breathing deeply: “That wasn’t a side entrance, dear. It was a barbed-wire fence that you fell over while trying to figure out how to break open the electric gate.”

Ah, but still, it says “permits only” and we have permits.

“Yes, but I’m not sure they cover self-cycle game viewing. And that gemsbok over there is starting to look agitated.”

On we cycled, passing zebra and other large, but thankfully skittish game, down into a by now freezing valley and up another series of hills that took us distressingly further away from our starting point. Water was low, morale had plunged and, typically, we’d been out long enough for cold weather to move in, with neither of us preparing for such a permutation.

Eventually, after coming to a 10-foot high gate and fence that warned “live game, keep out” (and we were stuck on the inside) I had to admit defeat. You know Robs, I think you’re right. We may have taken a wrong turn somewhere...

Seething, perhaps a degree or two below boiling: “yes, David, yes, you are right. We most likely took a wrong turn in the first 10 minutes when I specifically pointed that we should be going straight...”

Oh, okay. I didn’t hear you. Why don’t we go your way now?

Patience eroded. Exasperated: “Go my way now? I’m going to f... bleeeeeeeeeeeeeep...”

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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Comments
  • Dylan - 2012-06-05 11:55

    yawn...

  • Chris - 2012-06-05 11:58

    yawn...

      Joanne - 2012-06-05 12:28

      Don't panic, Dylan and Chris - before you know it we'll be knee-deep in the opinions of the twenty psychotic regulars on either side of whichever boring line they've drawn in their mind-sand. For the rest of us, a pleasant detour into a world where your only real problem is that men don't ask for directions.

  • UncleShep - 2012-06-05 12:22

    yawn!

  • 2T2B2 - 2012-06-05 12:29

    yawn...

  • misswoodcutter - 2012-06-05 12:34

    I actually enjoyed reading this piece:-)) super cute!

  • Bergie - 2012-06-05 12:48

    Maybe should have ended with Robyn charged by a gemsbok, or a farmer taking pot shots at you. Nothing wrong with a bit of exaggeration here and there to spice the story up.

  • francoisengelbrecht1 - 2012-06-05 13:32

    Yawn

  • Samuel - 2012-06-05 13:37

    use your imagination, this is hilarious.good one david.

  • Shaun.xexo - 2012-06-05 14:01

    The point to this?

      Joanne - 2012-06-05 14:14

      Ask your wife - she'll explain :)

      Deon - 2012-06-05 14:44

      Your wife always knows best.

  • Cindy - 2012-06-05 14:31

    " Keep quiet you silly woman" .. ?????????????????????? WTF??????? This must be the most boring article ever, written by the most condescending and chauvinistic fool I have read! The way he speaks to 'his woman' is like it is in the 50's . The only thing is that at most 'David Mosely'seems to not have been born even then (according to his pic) , which leads you to believe, you have all the reason in the world to feel sorry for his mother , because you can just imagine how his father spoke and treated her! Fool!

      Jacques - 2012-06-05 17:54

      Sounds like you need a boyfriend, dear ;)\r\nSee? I made a joke! Being sarcastic! D'oh!

      keith.gough - 2012-06-05 22:42

      Parody?

      Marion - 2012-06-06 20:32

      Oh my gosh Cindy, get a life!! If you have read any of Davids work in the past you will know that most of it is tongue in cheek. Gosh soooooo serious.

      Terry Wiegand - 2012-06-09 07:10

      Oh I get it now Cindy.... You must be the farmer,or have we both missed the point completely. Talk about a sense of humour failure!

  • Cindy - 2012-06-05 14:33

    Condescending and chauvinistic fool!

      Ever - 2012-06-06 10:26

      Sense of humour failure, Cindy?

  • ben.nevis.906 - 2012-06-05 14:34

    Good one Moseley. Your better half should have used the bicycle pump on your noggin after the first gate! Mine would have...

  • Chris - 2012-06-05 15:02

    Only read the first paragraph, but... YAWN!

  • ZwiChester - 2012-06-05 15:51

    uhmmm, okay!?!?!

  • jacobusm1 - 2012-06-06 07:22

    Your in good ? company.Somehow men,polticians,you name it appears to have lost the trail years ago,maybe when they built the tower of Babilon or tried to. We are already in the lions den and the beasts are closing in on us.Maybe the other halve can do a little better,bypatting their heads? throwing salt on their tails, who knows?????

  • Brian - 2012-06-06 08:02

    BLAH BLAH BLAH, dont quite your day joB!

      Marion - 2012-06-06 20:33

      quite????? Don't you mean quit?

  • LindiBleu - 2012-06-06 08:25

    my son is 13 and has learnt his lesson. he says " ek luister altyd vir mama want sy's altyd reg". took a few experiences for him to realise that. ;-))

  • Marion - 2012-06-06 20:31

    It looks like I am going to have to have a chat to Robyn when I get there about how to keep you in check!!! Ha ha. I can just see you though. Most men are the same, well Thomas is for sure!!

  • Mazimba - 2012-06-07 20:52

    Moseley for president! Lol I admit I share your tendency to act like a know-it-all with my better half, hide my doubt, then just grin and bear it when it's clear that I effed up. Keep the great pieces coming Dave (may I call u Dave, David?)

      david.a.moseley - 2012-06-12 09:24

      Yes. Yes you may call me Dave.

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