David Moseley

Oscar's fate to be decided by SMS votes

2013-02-26 14:57

David Moseley

The death of Reeva Steenkamp, the subsequent growth of "rock star" twitter journalism, the devotion of the public to retweet only the facts, and the intense public interest in the model’s demise have all piqued the interest of television savant Simon Cowell.

The reality television guru has decided that, although already guilty in the court of public opinion, Oscar Pistorius deserves a trial befitting a man accustomed to the global limelight. South Africans, who are all, ALL, devastated by the Oscar story, concur.

Instead of worrying with troublesome magistrates and minor technicalities like facts, Cowell envisages a Sunday night show where Oscar will sprint around the Cart Blanche studio in an effort to garner viewer support. Every three minutes Derek Watts will stick a leg out in an effort to trip up the speedster. The faster Pistorius goes, the better his chances of progressing to the next round.

Journalists will be invited to "live tweet" the proceedings, with those gaining the most followers over the duration of the show being granted the exclusive rights to Oscar's book, TV mini-series, self-help manuals and future nutrition shakes. Other journalists, who manage to grovel shamelessly at the feet of their peers, will also be granted retweets and "favourites".

Media will be granted 24-hour access to Pistorius and will be allowed to film, photograph and tweet his every bowel movement. Internet news sites will be encouraged to release daily stats on their unique visits and unprecedented growth during the televised show-trial, while encouraging advertisers to join in on the good fortune at the same time. Somewhere on page 12 of a newspaper, a grieving member of Steenkamp's family will be allotted to 120 words to remember their dead relative.

While Oscar performs his speed stunts in the studio, expert character witnesses will provide testimony to the audience. So far a guy who once sold him a boerie roll at the rugby has agreed to appear on the show, as well as a flight attendant who gave Oscar a blanket on a long-haul trip. She's already mentioned to the producers how he "slept funny that time. I knew something was off". Dramatic music will be played.

A spokesperson for the entire South Africa nation, which is gripped so tightly by the murder of Ms Steenkamp that it struggles to breathe every morning, stated that, "this is the only way such a celebrity should be tried. Although we have all aired our opinions ad nauseam, judging, defending, reminiscing and abhorring, we feel it's only right that a live reality television broadcast be used to decide the fate of the accused. We all miss Reeva. We really do. Honest."

Sharon Osbourne, Paula Abdul and Mara Louw have been tipped to appear as judges on the proposed show, with all of them promising to have only two glasses of vodka before the weekly broadcast goes live on air.

Meanwhile, a girl remains dead. Another is being raped. And the circus rolls from town to town.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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