David Moseley

Pat a woman on the head day

2013-08-07 09:34

David Moseley

Come one, come all and take a break from patting a woman on the ass and pat her on the head instead. Maybe grab a chubby little cheek while you’re at it (on the face, not the bottom, it’s Women s Month after all!) and be sure to say soothingly, "You're such a clever little woman. Well done for being so successful and resourceful, and that with the handicap of a vagina too. Well done."

Remember to remind your woman that what she’s achieved in the workplace is truly remarkable, particularly for someone whose sole purpose is to breed. If she draws a picture, be sure to place it on the fridge. They really are so artistic.

Be sure to tell her what a good job she's doing domestically too and that you appreciate her efforts at maintaining a career, making it home rape-free and arriving anywhere without denting the car (though a spot of makeup before leaving the house wouldn't hurt).

The 31 days of August are all about her. Not just her tits or her penis warmer, but her whole form, her whole being. Women, for just this single glorious month, are people too.

You can be a good male citizen by remembering, for just four weeks, that bitches be doing it for themselves (when you allow them to, of course. Snigger, snigger). Stand proudly at the front door as you wave your woman goodbye in the morning, sniffing softly at how they “become equal so fast. Soon they’ll want to be a boss. Sigh”.

Halt your raping and your sexual innuendo for just one month and celebrate what the government calls “a tribute to the thousands of women who marched to the Union Buildings on 9 August 1956 in protest against the extension of Pass Laws to women.”

“Since that eventful day,” the South African Government website notes, "women from all walks of life became equal partners in the struggle for a non-racial and non-sexist South Africa." Because before then, you see, only men fought for a non-sexist South Africa. Only men cared about ending apartheid. Silly women didn’t have time for that, they were too busy knitting.

Of course, this is the same government that chuckled into their manly bellies last month when Mad Murdoch Mugabe labelled Jacob Zuma's international relations advisor Lindiwe Zulu as a "stupid idiotic woman" and a "little streetwalker".

It’s also the same bunch of equality-loving, women-empowering gentlemen who bashfully giggled at the sight of Lindiwe Mazibuko’s knees when they made their debut in parliament a few months ago.

Such was the intoxicating sight of Mazibuko’s hosiery-clad shinbones that some members of parliament resorted to name-calling to hide their aroused and blushed cheeks. Where have you noticed that before? Ah yes, junior school, where the unexpected sight of little girl sends little boys into a frantic tail-spin of hair-pulling to hide their confused excitement.

You can’t blame the men, though. Mazibuko and Zulu should have known that you don’t try to do a man’s job outside of Women’s Month. Just what were they thinking. Crazy dames. Back to the sewing circle.

Women are equal, you see, but only in the month that is designated specifically to them. This is their month to shine, their chance to get a new coffee mug from their male colleagues that reads "World's Best Woman".

That’s the healing power of Women’s Month, that’s how we move forward.

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