David Moseley

Poor people say: 'Shut it, Tony'

2012-07-03 09:11

David Moseley

Giggling and chortling media agencies around South Africa have reported that Cosatu’s Tony Ehrenreich believes the Cape Town Stadium can be turned into low-cost housing.

Ehrenreich, who allegedly convinced George Bush Jr that Saddam really, really did harbour weapons of mass distraction (and believes that World War II was lost by the Germans because they opened the Ark of the Covenant) told reporters that Cosatu had consulted with engineers who believed the stadium could be transformed.

The engineers reportedly added that for an extra R60, or a government tender, they could also transform Ehrenreich’s VW Beetle into a sentient 19-foot robot bodyguard named Bumbledork.

Tony, who many people believe is actually Leon Schuster in the method acting role of a lifetime, added, “This (converting the Stadium) represents an important opportunity to integrate black and white communities.”

What wasn’t learned from the press statement was whether Tony intends bussing in black or white people to live in his dystopian Green Point district, or if it was pointed out to Tony that the last time people were "ushered" into low-costing housing not of their choice that it didn’t turn out too well for the country at the time.

What about us?

Coloured and Indian Capetonians are also understood to be upset that they never get to mix with black and white Capetonians, and are demanding to know why Tony never mentions them in his unionist manifestos.

On top of already damaging rumblings of discontent regarding Tony only coming out of hibernation when he’s guaranteed to get on the press front pages, Cape Town Cosatu supporters are further up in arms because they were already promised wine farms in Constantia, not low-cost housing in a suburb where a double skinny decaf latte (no biscotti) with wings can cost close to R30 (and that’s just for the car guards).

Constantia residents are said to be confused too. “First he courts our property, then he moves on to Green Point,” said one desperate housewife through the keyhole of her imported Madagascan slave prison-bench front door. “I just wish he’d make up his mind, so I know which suburb I should move to. It’s a very stressful situation. I don’t want to relocate to Durbanville for no reason.”

Local "poor" people have not taken the suggesting lightly either. Green Point Homeless Persons Ratepayers representative Angelo Goldschmidt, who lost his home in an auction scandal earlier this year, told reporters that he’s not ready to move back to Green Point, and that for Tony to suggest that he should was highly insensitive. When told that the Cape Town Stadium housing project, tentatively labelled "Own Gaol", would probably only be for "non-white" Capetonians, Goldschmidt was heard to breath a sigh of relief. “Well in that case, I’ll just carry on living with my mom.”

Western Province officials, however, are said to be delighted with the move. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this before,” said Western Province’s Director of Inefficiency. “Once all our young players have been bought by the Bulls we can finally change our name to the Cape Crusaders, move to the Athlone Stadium, and sell off Newlands as a low-cost housing precinct too. It’s really what we’ve been aiming for.”

Tony, meanwhile, is working on further conversion projects, apparently picking up where Leonardo da Vinci left off with attempts to turn lead into gold, and will next turn his attentions to turning water into wine...

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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