David Moseley

Sars to target white beggars

2013-02-12 11:58

David Moseley

Last week it was reported by an ace undercover journalist that South Africa's downtrodden white population is making a killing by begging. The intrepid hack, who spent months disguised as a dustbin at stop streets researching her tale of a white windfall, reports that those with white faces are "comfortably" (that is, reclining in deck chairs while sympathetic whiteys in climate-controlled Beamers chuck wads of hundies at them) earning up to R10 000 a month, if not more.

Statistics have also highlighted that neatly written Afrikaans notes on cardboard are more likely to tempt English-speaking motorists to fling money from their car windows, purely because English South Africans feel sorry for Afrikaans South Africans (something to do with accents, allegedly). Afrikaans speaking South Africans rarely give money away, saving all they can for flights to Perth.

But the good times of traffic light-loitering and "swimming in money" like Duckburg’s Scrooge McDuck could soon be over for the country's idle whites. Alerted to the hidden treasures stuffed down the weather-beaten pants of the homeless and hapless, Sars has now hinted that it could soon swoop on work-avoiding whiteys.

"We've done a number on Julius," says a Sars spokesperson, "so we need a new target. These wit-ous, who think they can just stand around all day earning cash monies by being well groomed and handsome, will face the full force of the Sars Special Ops.

"Already we're training new agents to sneak up on white beggars, grab them by the ankles and shake them until all their five rands fall out. We've told our staff that they can keep any 50c pieces as an incentive."

Meanwhile, Tony Ehrenreich has demanded that white beggars hand over their Woolworths-branded cardboard boxes and Country Road loyalty cards. "We intend to redistribute the boxes of white beggars to the people of South Africa, to those who have struggled through apartheid and the ANC's regime and who deserve a better standard of box to sleep in.

"Reports confirm that if you're going to live on the street, a home appliance or Woolworths box is the only way to go. We will be protesting in Cape Town soon, insisting that Helen and the rest of the DA hand out only Samsung double-fridge size boxes to the destitute.

"I must also add, for no apparent reason, that the DA should build houses on the Rondebosch Common."

A backlash is brewing in the homeless community too. Tudor St John-Jones III, The Grand Dragon of Whites On Our Pavement (WOOP) and a 25-year homeless veteran after his parents drowned in a vat of cocaine and his trust fund ran out, is concerned that other beggars will be after their buckets of money.

"I've already been contacted by Pakistanis On Our Pavement (POOP) who say our days of 'running the Constantia lights' are numbered". This is very disconcerting for us. We can't be expected to beg in Mowbray, or Observatory. Do you know how far those suburbs are from Vida e Caffe? It's inhumane."

Coloured, Indian, Somali, Nigerian and Zimbabwean beggars could not be reached for comment, because no one could be bothered.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

Send your comments to David

Disclaimer:
News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24
.

NEXT ON NEWS24X

SHARE:

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
101 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining
 

Inside News24

 
/Music

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

Pre-order your iPhone 6 at kalahari.com

Hurry and pre-order your own iPhone 6 now at SA’s favourite online store!

Bargain box – 60% off

Reduced prices, very limited stock. While stocks last. Hurry and shop now!

Mind blow low prices on electronics

Get either the Prestigio multiphone or Proline tablet 7” tablet for only R699. Offers valid while stocks last. Shop now!

30% off Barbie toys

Save 30% on all Barbie toys and accessories. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Baby extravanganza month at kalahari.com

Celebrate baby month with a wide range of awesome baby products. Offers valid while stocks last. Shop now.

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

Horoscopes
Aquarius
Aquarius

Don`t judge so quickly or expect too much, be more accepting and understanding and make space for fun and spontaneity. ...read more

There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.