David Moseley

So when's the baby coming?

2013-09-18 07:25

David Moseley

It's been nine months of wedded bliss - minus the odd barney over whose turn it is to do the cooking. The big day has come and gone, the honeymoon is a distant enough memory for us to start dreaming and scheming for another big ticket holiday and a puppy has been added to the equation to make for a happy home - minus the odd barney over whose turn it is to do the dishes once we've decided whose turn it is to cook.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about children or rather, to not talk about children. I've discovered, since getting married in January, that society demands you start procreating the very instant your vows leave you lips. "I do. I do. Now let’s make babies." How sad. (I'm excluding family here because naturally it's their duty to act like demented loons whenever they see you after the wedding, begging you to do something that they would have killed you for had they caught you in the act at any stage before the nuptials).

But other grown humans, you have no excuse. Honestly, man. What's wrong with you? When you find out I'm married why is the first thing that pops into your head a question about the possibility of me starting a family? If that's what you did, cool. But don't assume we're all as uninspired as you. I have better things to do with my time, like enjoy my time.

There are so many good questions to ask, like: "where was the honeymoon?" Or, "well done, what's his name?" Or, "who was stupid enough to marry you?" Maybe even, "did she feel sorry for you?"

But no, out comes the old faithful, "children soon, hey. Clock's ticking, hey. They'll change your life, hey" and always from some gormless suburban mom with benignly nodding husband in tow or soon-to-be wife who has been dreaming about being married with children since the day she realised she could get the maid to do all the real parenting, freeing up her life for mid-morning Pilates and afternoon coffee dates.

You know what? Marriage changed my life quite a bit (for the better, I should add). I'm in no rush to change it again. "Oh, but you got a puppy," they say. "That's the first step to getting children, you know." Really, it is? How so? "Oh, it's just like having a child."

You know what, numbskulls, it isn't. A puppy is nothing like having a child, unless I'm allowed to leave my baby outside without supervision when my wife and I leave for work in the morning and so on.

It worries me that seemingly functional humans can be so limited in their thinking, so dull in their life expectations that a child is the most exciting thing they can think of once they've tied the knot. Marriage must equal instant baby. No people, it doesn't work like that.

I'm all for babies and posting pictures on Facebook of my child taking its first shit. I can't wait to look like my weary colleague who yelps with delight when he remembers that the kids are with granny that night.

I'm very happy that my friends are having children, one lucky tyke due on my birthday this year. But man, just give me a few more months before you start insisting that "now's the time". It's not too much to ask, is it?

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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