David Moseley

Stormers to launch new kit

2012-02-21 12:47

Hot on the (hot pink, and probably high) heels of the Bulls launching their steamy new away kit, the Stormers are set to launch their 2012 Super Rugby campaign in a brand new outfit too.

With the Bulls highlighting that their new kit has a dramatic “smash” design inspired by the phrase “bull in a china shop” and expresses the Bulls’ powerful playing style, the Stormers have come forward to say that their 2012 range of playing kit is inspired by the popular phrase “Storm in a teacup”, and will express their knack for huffing and puffing, yet only managing to blow the straw houses down.

This, explain the marketing gurus at the Cape franchise, highlights the Stormers ability to create a stir without any substance to back the hype.

“We feel that after years of throwing it all away in the closing stages of the Super Rugby tournament, we should rather lower expectations right from the outset,” Stormers Marketing Manager Blowhard McLanyard told this reporter. “This way, our faithful fans will be rewarded with a stress-free and mediocre mid-table finish, and not have to suffer the indignity of losing to the Lions in semifinal play-off decider.”

Stinkwood was never an option

Some critics have noted that the Stormers generally run out of “puff” at the end of the long Super Rugby season. The new kit designer, however, refutes such claims. “The ‘Storm in a teacup’ theme will embrace all levels of Stormers rugby,” says fashion expert and Stormers kit consultant Trendy O’Skinny-Jean Waxed-Tache the Third.

“The Bulls have co-opted the colours of Pretoria’s famous Jacaranda into their kit,” notes O’Skinny. “But in the Western Cape the trees are all horribly unfabulous. At first I thought a scheme based on the popular stinkwood trees would suit the team because, you know, they stink. But the rugby top brass at Newlands were none too happy. That’s when ‘Storm in a teacup struck’.”

The Stormers, renowned throughout the country for promising big and delivering small, will now take to the field in a kit more fitting their rugby performances. “We’re looking at an eggshell-to-ecru colour scheme for the boys this year, to really bring through the flimsy nature of the ‘Storm in a teacup’ campaign. We feel the new colour scheme will reinforce the dainty teacup theme and highlight the brittle nature of our Super Rugby challenges,” adds McLanyard.

There will be nothing on the kit. No logos, no distracting colours, no chevrons, hoops or circles. All to signify what the Cape union has achieved in recent years.

The truth is, adds McLanyard, teacups are the only cups we have in the trophy cabinet at present. “We don’t want to pressure the team, so we’re hoping ‘Storm in a teacup’ is something the guys can relate too.”

Other reports have indicated that the Stormers away kit could be made from a new, hi-tech invisible cloth. “This should also resemble the Newlands trophy room, as when you look into the glass cabinets, you see nothing,” says O’Skinny-Jean, with the tiniest hint of a mischievous grin.

Meanwhile, there is no truth in the rumour that the Lions and the Kings are engaged in a legal battle over the slogan "Fighting for the Wooden Spoon".

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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