David Moseley

The 10 Zummandments

2012-11-14 08:36

David Moseley

Many South Africans are unaware that the president is an extremely self-conscious fellow. He's just a Zulu, standing in front a nation, asking you to love him. (He also loves Notting Hill). To ensure that we all give him the respect he deserves he's released his 10 Zummandments, a cheery list of guidelines to be used by the nation to ensure presidential poise.

1 I am the Zuma, your president. You voted for me, now you're stuck with me. But don't worry, in a few years you won't even have to vote for me. I think I'll just hang around. Until my Chinese pals take control…

2 Thou shall bring no false idols before me. This means no paintings of my "pee-pee" and if anyone in Parliament shoves one of those Madiba bank notes in my face again I'll deport them to the Limpopo. As for the funnyman who suggested my face should go on the 10c coins, ha ha, try and get your textbooks now. Charlize, however, is always welcome at Nkandla with her Oscar. He he. Absolutely.

3 Do not take the name of the Zuma in vain. It's not my fault, it's Thabo's fault. Stop blaming everything on me. Look, I'm dancing. Now I'm blaming someone else. It's that easy.

4 Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Can we just forget about Nelson getting out of prison now? Good grief. It's yesterdays news people. My birthday is April 12. I like Stoney ginger beer, Leopard-print skirts, new wives and nametags for my offspring. No, I don't need another signed copy of Long Walk to Freedom. I know the ending, okay. He escapes!

5 Honour thy father and thy mother. My children are so nice to me. Every Father's Day I get 19 different presents from my precious 19 children. (Could be 20, but the Mail & Guardian says it's 19, so I'm going with them). Lovechildren, this includes you.

6 Thou shall not kill/murder/assassinate my character. Sure, I've made some mistakes (but seriously, why can't you wash it out?), but I'm not a bad guy. Just because I think women should be at home, practicing their dish-washing doesn't mean I can't run the country (into the ground. Ha ha. Lol!).

7 Thou shall not commit adultery. Ha ha. Jokes!

8 Thou shall not steal. Unless you're a politician, then help yourself. Look at these fancy shoes, you think I paid for them? Not a chance.

9 Thou shall not lie… in the same wife's bed more than once a night. Zing. Got you! No, seriously. Though shall not lie… unless you need to win an election. Then it’s okay. New houses for everyone. Yaaaay.

10 Thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife (or anything that belongs to your neighbour). Instead, all you need to do is build a massive compound, then you can bone anything that walks or breathes within its confines. Ta da! Zumaville, where it’s sexy time all the time! I'm bringing sexy baaaaack… to Nkandla. (Though I do wish we had Lesotho, that would make such a nice backyard for my family picnics).

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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