David Moseley

The bright side of The Blackout

2015-04-23 07:11

David Moseley

If The Blackout comes - and this is very different to the apartheid-era cry of “blacks out”, but not too dissimilar to what happens when a rampaging Willem Alberts runs over wee Mark Richards, there will be some positive side effects.

Experts vary, but it seems that after a total blackout (that is, when you can’t even go to the pub to watch rugby during load shedding because it’s being looted by powerless people) it could take Eskom around three weeks to get the electricity grid up and running again from a black start (named so because they’ll be restarting the power plants in the dark).

The things to look forward to, however, are numerous.

What’s your Wi-Fi?

Friends will now come over, or join you in a dimly lit lunchtime cafe for a green salad, and actually greet you instead of asking immediately for your Wi-Fi password.

Another side effect of this could include an actual conversation, and for that you might need to refer to a manual or something.

On the downside, trendy coffee shops might see a downturn in sales because they don’t have free Wi-Fi anymore, but then again, they won’t be making much coffee either.

Facebook envy

Tired of needy Facebook posts that are faux cries for attention (example: “Sigh, why does life have to be so hard” – reason for hardship? Facebook poster is envious of friends’ Paris trip when she only made it to Prague), or holiday snaps of friends’ amazing tours through Europe or their dreamy Sunday lunchtime pics of picnics at wine farms with family members fawning over an infant dressed in overpriced footwear?

Well, envy no more, because the only life updates you’ll see on Facebook during The Blackout will include glum couples fending off home invaders with their selfie sticks…


The electricity will go. The hot water will go. The gas will eventually go, and eventually so too will any desire to clean your plates after another meal of cold beans and canned tuna (that is, of course, if you’ve stocked up accordingly at your nearest generator powered supermarket).

Also, when the neighbours are clawing at your fence to get at your stash of home grown quinoa, washing cutlery will be the last thing on your mind.

Electric fences

Speaking of fences, when The Blackout comes, we’ll finally have a solution to the real plague of the suburbs - the annoying ga-tick ga-tick ga-tick that electric fences make when there’s a chameleon charred and stuck to the wires. Finally, a peaceful night’s sleep. Thanks Eskom!


There was a time, quaint as that now seems, when outrageous and boneheaded opinions were solely served up at dinner parties.

Sure opinions have been around since Eve asked Adam if her bum looked big in that fig leaf, but up until the advent of the internet, and more recently, twitter, you had to work quite hard to find the morons in your life.

These days you simply go online and there’s a thought leader dying to tell you how the world’s evils are the result of a hetero-normative-patriarchal-capitalist-white-monopoly of diet books.

During The Blackout, opinions will finally reach a consensus of “well, we’re fucked now”… until someone shouts out in the dark… “thanks to the hetero-normative-patriarchal-capitalist-white-monopoly of diet books”.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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