David Moseley

The perfect wedding gift?

2012-07-10 12:07

David Moseley

I believe that the saddest day in my life was earlier this year, when I handed over a frying pan to my best mate. It wasn’t my idea. I was planning on giving him nothing. But Robyn insisted that we pick something off the registry to wish Kevin and his wife well, and hopefully many years of non-stick frying, on their wedding day.

Wedding gifts. They’re a terrible thing. (By the way, Kev, you owe me R3 500 after I had to pay damages on my rental car from driving the "three" hours from Joburg to Cathedral Peak on that stunningly pot-holed rural road).

If I’ve been to your wedding in the last 10 years it’s unlikely that you’ll find a gushing, over-priced card from me in the middle drawer of your kitchen, the drawer that houses your lone oven glove, Sellotape and other odds and ends that you’re not entirely sure how to store.

You can rummage through your fancy plates and salad spoon collection, but I can assure you that none of those come from me. If you do find anything with my name scrawled across it, that’s because Robyn’s learned to forge my handwriting (or I’ve drunkenly scribbled across someone else’s wedding gift to you).

Spend wisely

It’s not that I don’t like you guys, it’s just that I find wedding registries and the associated gifts spectacularly redundant. Also, I’m taking a stand for the men. I know that 99% of my pals don’t care for spatulas, ornate toothpick holders and solid silver mortar and pestle sets, even if the handles sometimes come adorned with faux surrealist Valkyrie boobs dripping off the end (I’m looking at you, Carrol Boyes fans).

How can I be expected to spend money on a cutlery set when I know that the poor husband in question only wants a few bottles of white "tequila" to celebrate his nuptials, rather than bedazzled napkin holders? And besides, what the hell have modern couples been eating off all this time if they still need to add knives, forks and dinner plates to their wedding registry? Plus, in these tough economic times, it’s unreasonable to expect guests to splash out on that Swarovski decorative bowl you’ve had your eye on since the first time you realised owning expensive things makes you a better person.

Looking to the future, I propose a different kind of gift registry for weddings, a financially prudent list of presents that will provide more hours of happiness for bride and groom than any number of instantly storable kitchen utensils could (though we do need a new toaster, if anyone is taking notes):

Petrol: sure, it’s going down now, but you know it will shoot straight back up in a few months time. Forego the typical crystal decanters and wine glasses please, and feel free to arrive at my wedding with plastic drums of 95 Unleaded. That way I’ll be able to afford the drive to your isolated Midlands wedding.

Electricity: gift vouchers are cute, but you’re limiting me to whatever unnecessary baubles are stocked in your emporium of choice. I don’t need a Boardman’s cheese board, the kitchen counter works well enough. If Eskom has its way, we’ll all be paying for electricity with the lives of our unborn children (they need the foetuses to power the new "coal-fired" plants). Take my account number, sort me out with 200 units. Then at least I’ll be able to use the ridiculous smoothie blender that takes four minutes to blend, and three days to clean.

A new bed: I’ll need one, because as soon as my fiancée reads this, I’ll be kicked out the house (along with my dessert bowl collection, the only thing I’m bringing into the marriage).

*David is getting married in January. This article was not condoned by Robyn, and if you’re going to the wedding she most certainly welcomes traditional gifts, but mostly the pleasure if your company (and a new toaster).

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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