David Moseley

The secret diary of Tony Ehrenreich

2012-08-29 07:05

David Moseley

Cosatu's provincial secretary in the Western Cape, labelled Super Tony by the Cosatu top brass for his sublime ability at the photocopy machine, is a giant of our time. Never one to shy away from a meaningful protest or an indignant call for Constantia homeowners to hand over their manicured lawns, this Cape Crusader has revealed for the first time some of his innermost thoughts and desires. His diary was picked up yesterday after the ANCYL marched through Cape Town’s Golden Acre, allegedly in search of white people to harass, before realising that white people don’t even know what the Golden Acre is.

Friday, 23 August

Big day on Monday. I’ve done nothing since last time I called for Rondebosch Common to be handed over. Must get up early tomorrow and Sunday in case those cheeky Khoisan in their impala-skin undies claim the Common before me. Feel terribly uneasy, as ever, about going to sleep tonight. Hate the thought that my weary head rests so easily on this pillow and duvet combo that has touched white hands. Must remember to find all black-owned linen store. Or maybe just demand that Woolworths be given to the poor. Yes, that’s it. Hand over Woolies you awful whites, mwhahahahaha. Okay, okay. Getting ahead of myself here. Early to rise tomorrow, 9:30am kick-off for the rugby.

Saturday, 25 August

My beloved All Blacks won again. Still don't understand why they are called that. There are white people in the team!? Australian lineout calls were in Afrikaans today. It's working. More and more of "them" are moving to Perth. Rough morning so far, think I'll call the Madam and hang up. Funny thing, though, I think she likes being called madam. I know what I'll do! Ha! I'll tell the Youth League to call white ladies madam and white men baas. But we'll do it ironically. That will show them.

What other property is nice; there’s no parking at Llandudno, Camps Bay has too many Germans hanging out there, they'll just steal all our ladies, and Muizenberg is attracting too many whites now with that awful bakery on the beachfront. What the hell, man, Fish Hoek is full of weirdoes. What about the Northern Suburbs? Ha! Psych! Who the fuck wants to live in Panorama?

Okay, okay. That settles it, we'll call for Constantia again, and Rondebosch. Those Muslims have had their day. Maybe even frighten the Jews with a call for Sea Point. Not sure where that is actually, as I've only ever seen white people in Constantia. How do all 5 million of them manage to live there? So weird.

Sunday morning, 26 August

This is it. THIS IS IT. Tomorrow is the day that will change everything. We will demand land to be handed over. That one always works. Julius, I mean, Ronald just called to say maybe we should go for something original, like demanding Robben Island to be turned into a blacks only housing estate. Had to remind him what the Island was actually for, and besides, the whites are doing a triathlon on the Island now, so they'll never give it back to us.

Sunday evening, 26 August

Just finished our nine demands for madam (remind me to speak to the Youth League about that one. I'm sure it's reinforcing racial stereotypes. Still, she does look like that chick from Madam & Eve, so I think that's why Julius started call her by that name). So, the nine demands, thinking of calling them The Nine Demandments (Yes, yes, I love Charlton Heston movies):

1 Constantia and Rondebosch Common for the poor (Ha ha, the Common is so fucking wet after winter, those poor fuckers will get soaked – remind me to delete that line. Oops).

2 All whites to accept that everything bad that has happened in the world, including the Twilight franchise, is their fault. I mean, come on, Cart Blanche is so fucking depressing. Only a whitey could come up with that shit on a Sunday night.

3 Crusaders to move from Canterbury to Newlands and Stormers to be relegated to Currie Cup B Division.

4 Economic freedom in our lifetime! Still not sure what that is, but sounds good, hey.

5 More Capetonians to pay attention to what's going on around them, and not just bugger off to Cavendish in the middle of a protest.

6 No more skinny jeans. Please white people. Can't you see that it's only coloured okes who look good in skinny jeans. Stop it now.

7 Heyneke Meyer must never play Willem Alberts at 8 again, and get rid of Morne Steyn. Why isn't Ricky Januarie the captain?

8 Free accommodation at the One & Only on the weekend we move into our Sea Point flat.

9 And finally, people must stop calling me Mr Secretary. I do more than just make the tea around here. Dammit.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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