David Moseley

The strange habits of wives

2013-04-03 09:20

David Moseley

I once lived with a guy who enjoyed his Pronutro very much. As you all know, if you don't rinse or wash an empty bowl of Pronutro immediately, the remains take on the consistency and property of the world's most industrial concrete. He never washed his bowl.

Another chap, in the same house, loved a cup of tea. Yet for some peculiar reason he just couldn't bring himself to place his empty cup in the kitchen sink. Instead, he hid them behind the couch in our living room until eventually he was drinking tea out of glass tumblers while the rest of us puzzled over the disappearance of our tea cups.

My mom always forgot to buy toilet paper, my gran - when I lived with her -  insisted on my dinner preferences before I'd barely finished my breakfast while my brother, in between oxygen-depleting gulps of shared bedroom air that may go some way to explaining my lack of mental development, snored like a space shuttle re-entering the atmosphere.

But that was all cool. I could live with the cemented Pronutro bowls, the lack of tea cups, sleepless nights alongside my brother and using serviettes on the loo.

It's this new challenge of cohabitation that I'm struggling to deal with, the gauntlet laid down by my wife who I know is merely testing my resolve, to see how far she can push me until I snap and appear on page three of the Cape Times as the husband who burned down his home in a fit of rage, but not before clubbing his wife to death with a soggy cucumber.

It's not the wet towels on the bed I mind, nor is it that she likes to use every teaspoon in the drawer before asking, "where are all the teaspoons?" But rather it's her uncanny ability to swoop silently through the house in the morning, opening every cupboard and closest like some learner poltergeist, practising her ghostly torments for the next life.

Right now, as I write this, I'm staring into the cupboard looking at her gym gear. Why is that cupboard open? I have no idea. Today is not gym day. In the bathroom the medicine cabinet is wide open.

In the other bathroom, which is currently out of order, that medicine cabinet is also open. She has no reason to go in there, but doors be open.

In the kitchen the top drawer and two cupboards are open. Her bedroom cupboard is open. I'm still in my pyjamas, not even dressed for work yet, but the cupboard in our bedroom with my clothes in it is wide open.

I close them. They get opened. I close them. They get opened. I ask, "Robyn, why do you always leave the cupboards open?" Why don't you make the bed, she shoots back. "That's not the point," I counter. Well, what is the point, she asks. "There is no point," I concede. "Just close the cupboards, please!" Well make the bed then.

And so it goes...

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The testimony that sunk him

2014-04-18 07:00

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