Turn out the lights
2008-09-02 10:27
David Moseley
On the 10th of September some insanely intelligent nutters on the French-Swiss border, somewhere near Geneva, will fire up a piece of Star Wars wizardry called the Large Hadron Collider (or the LHC if you prefer abbreviations).
The R60bn-plus piece of machinery is the world's largest particle accelerator complex and clever chaps in Europe hope to discover more about the creation of the universe by pressing the "on" button next Wednesday.
Forgive me, but I'm in Edinburgh, and the only newspaper I could get my hands on was the Scottish Sun, so in between 33 pages devoted to the Rangers vs Celtic derby match from Sunday, this is about as moving as the news gets here. That and news that the Celtic goalkeeper has been on drinking and shagging binges behind his wife's back. Seriously, that was page four.
Anyway, the Sun describes the LHC actions as thus, "New particles of matter are expected to be discovered, new dimensions found beyond the four known, as scientists re-create conditions in the first billionths of a second after the Big Bang." The best part of the story, naturally in a paper of the Sun's constituency, is the headline "End of the World in Nine Days". I love it.
Hole-in-one
Opposing scientists are concerned that the LHC will create mini-black holes (you know, those things in Star Trek where all the bad stuff happens or, more scientifically, hungry space monsters that gobble up stars, space dust, unmanned flights to Mars, Ziggy Stardust and planets in other galaxies). These dissenters, ("Philistines!" shout the LHC-tinkering scientists from across the room) think the mini-black holes will expand and suck the planet into the 45th Dimension in an instant. "We'll never know unless we try!" bellow back the mangy, wild-eyed Germans, French, Swiss and Wouter Basson in the dimmed corner.
But hey, in an age where the Bok coach compares himself and his situation to the plight of Jesus and Hurricanes seem intent on wiping out New Orleans, what harm can a little particle acceleration do?
At worst it proves that our existence really was created by a rather large and expansive firecracker, and at best it acts like a gigantic (and pricey) Ouija board summoning the creator from his slumber and putting scientists out of their misery the world over.
Still, if the LHC does go mental and creates many mini and unstable black holes, we'll never know it happened. So in light of the end of the world, according to the Scottish Sun mind you, where the second biggest story in the paper is a pictorial about Vladimir Putin shooting tigers (it did have George on the collar), I suggest using the next nine days as a bit of a goof off.
Make a list
I'm already overseas ploughing away my credit card's Rands into British tourism and the funds for Team GB's 2012 success, so the sense of adventure is already there. I get back on the 8th, so that gives me two days to keep my girlfriend locked up indoors, ushering in the end of the world in fine style. In the meantime I'm just going to carry on drinking my way through the UK's pale ales (27 varieties so far). It's like paying your TV license. It's the right thing to do.
Other things to do before the world ends:
Protest on a dinghy alongside a Japanese whaling boat.
Go to Brighton for the day (I don't really have a choice here. My mom is making me go tomorrow).
Buy space suits ($34 on Ebay) just in case the black hole sends you to the moon.
Ask the pilot if you can fly the plane home for a wee bit. I'm definitely asking the nice BA guy on Sunday night.
Turn out the lights.
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