David Moseley

When his is bigger than yours

2012-10-30 10:15

David Moseley

It's every man's worst nightmare. After a few months of bliss and unbridled happiness your partner comes home in a huff, takes one look at your jewels and sniffs accusingly, "it's not very big you know".

Choking on your chicken kebab you manage to splutter back an anguished, "I beg your pardon, that's not what you said in the beginning. It's hardly shrunk over time."

Reeling, you grasp for all manner of excuses in attempting to justify your perfectly adequate size, remembering those words she once uttered so lovingly - "any bigger and it would get in the way," she said in the beginning, "Of course I don't mind that it's so small, look how cute it is," she assured, or, "it fits perfectly, I wouldn't want it any other way," she once admitted. At the same time, though, you're wondering what brought on the disappointment. Size was never a question before, why does it matter now?

Not playing fair

Then she blurts out, "well, I saw Adam’s today, and his is definitely bigger than yours." Ah, the truth. Comparing size with a female friend. And women say size doesn’t matter.

"Pippa can't stop smiling because it's so big. She just grins and grins. At pilates she could barely move. Pippa says that Adam's is bigger than Neil's, Derrin's and Andrew's. She says that Adam's is the biggest of them all."

Adam, that little prick. He's trumped us all by waiting this long, unleashing his after we've all shown ours first. That's not playing fair.

Chaps, there's nothing you can do, you know. You have a small window when yours is the only one they talk about it. But then someone else comes along and flashes theirs to the world, and you're yesterday's news, chucked on the scrapheap of memories and easily forgotten occasions.

You can try and convince your partner otherwise, saying things like, "this will keep you happy for years" or "remember the first time you held it, how good it felt" or perhaps "but your mother loves it". But that doesn't work.

When a new, bigger, brighter engagement ring comes around you might as well not be engaged at all, especially if your pals gazump you with rings that appear to come from the private collection of King Solomon’s mine.

Strike out of the blue

Gentlemen, if you're thinking about proposing, the moral of the story is simple here: you wait until the final moment, the fifth minute of added time, when your lovely lady is just about in tears at all the proposals proposing around her, and then you strike.

Like a lightning bolt from the hammer of Thor itself, you strike out of the blue, and with great fury and purpose you blow the socks of your partner with a ring forged in the fires of the Temple of Doom.

That way you look great and your chums, who enjoyed their glory days months before and are now mired down in the suck of wedding-planning details, get looks of longing and inadequacy from partners who immediately start planning their next grand moment...

It's a vicious circle of show and tell.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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