News24

Women. What are you good for?

2012-03-06 07:10

David Moseley

The obvious answer, you sick, negative, pessimistic saps, is everything. You suckers are so easy to goad. I knew you’d all be in here because of the ambiguous headline. Well, now you’re stuck. So read it and weep. Or don’t. Either way, you’ve been fooled by another dodgy header.

More to the point. Women are fucking great. And not just their boobs, as I’ve so often mentioned in the past (though if we were really the modern society we crave to be, no one would get offended by men loving women’s boobs... in a caring, caressing way, of course).

Why the sudden outpouring of women love, you ask? Truth be told, it was on my list of topics to cover (ja, I make lists. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t just wake up and write this stuff while sitting on the toilet - though, honestly, sometimes it does appear that way. And I can’t deny that I haven’t actually done that in the past). Then I noticed that this Thursday was International Women’s Day. A fine day indeed. Almost as commendable as International Ewok Week.

I jest, naturally.

Who rules the world?

The International Women’s Day website describes the date as a “global day celebrating the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future”. I know what you’re thinking. How the hell did they make something so inspired sound so wrist-slittingly boring?

Why don’t they just call it what it really is, “admiring, respecting and coming to the realisation that women are fucking rad. And without them, men would be sitting in their (un-tailored) loin clothes, still trying to figure out how the hell the Super Rugby conference system actually works and why their beer was warm”. That sounds better.

People misunderstand me. I’ve been called many things on this website, ranging from misogynistic to pig to women-hater to words I can’t repeat because my gran reads this. She can handle the above-mentioned cuss-words, she’s from Scotland, she skins a live haggis every morning for breakfast and eats fried pigs blood and oats for lunch. She’s that hard. But I won’t repeat the uncouth four-letter words hurled in my direction, purely because they’re wrong.

My gran is the most important person in my life. Not the most important woman. Person. And then my wife to be. Even though I’m sitting here fuming because she ate the whole chocolate Easter bunny (okay, I had the bum), I still love her.

I feel for her when she has to deal with her dickish, no doubt women-hating, Masters supervisor at X University (yeah, that’s right. She’s an engineer, is doing her Masters while she works, she carries my mountain bike up hills for me and she makes my dinner. Superstar is the only word that describes her – even though the bunny’s gone). And when I leave the house at 5am to run or cycle without her, I feel strange pangs of longing. (I also worry that someone will come in and steal her while I’m gone, but I’d never admit that to anyone).

Thanks, ladies. For everything

I’ve had fantastic ex-girlfriends who’ve shaped who I am today, female friends who’ve taught me more than any online encyclopaedia could, a great gran who was beyond great, a soon to be mother-in-law who makes my favourite meals (this should guarantee even more chicken pie, Irene), first loves, lost loves, and a mother and an aunt who I don’t see often enough (they both live overseas), and who I wish spent more time in South Africa (although my mom in small doses. I can’t keep up with the amount of champagne she drinks).

Maybe it’s because I’m about to get married. Or maybe I’m just growing up, but... women, what are they good for? Every goddam important moment in your life. That’s what.

So cheers to you girls. Cheers to you, every day.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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Comments
  • Cast53 - 2012-03-06 08:18

    Browny points anyone???

  • Pixie86 - 2012-03-06 08:23

    what's the punch line? All i see is a sappy autobiography

  • Craig - 2012-03-06 08:45

    Ah, congrats and may I smile kindly at the exuberance of a soon-to-be-married man. Nothing his married mates can tell him will change his mind. He has found the best, the brightest, the cutest, the sexiest, in fact the only chick, in the entire world and nothing will make him see different. Even wedding cake, that known destroyer of blowjobs, will change the way he looks at his soulmate. Even the drying ink on the prenup looks romantic, and the bridesmaids were just invisible that day. Let the man revel in his glee and his pride, for we were all there once.

      trix.duvenage - 2012-03-06 17:21

      Ja nee, die Dawid vool het die skoot hoog deur, dis verseker, maar dat sy artikel meriete het is regtig so. Hy is ook lekker bederf maar seker omdat hy so aantreklik is ook. [EN ek is nie 'n manne -man nie. BAIE ver daarvan] But Yes, I agree with him. Without them we are NOTHING. Period

  • Princess - 2012-03-06 09:15

    Once again, awesome, honest, transparent and funny. Thanks again. Cant wait for the articles after you and Robin tie the knot

  • Martha - 2012-03-06 09:18

    I had a great laugh at your story today, arn't us women just wonderfull creatures, hahaha, You should do a story about men who wear G strings sometime i'd love that. Nothing sexier than a mans bum.

  • Brenda - 2012-03-06 09:24

    Gosh David, we didn't know our worth until you put it in writing.

      labetenoir - 2012-03-06 09:55

      So, no man is ever allowed to praise women because, what, that's insulting? Kinda misandrist.

      Grant - 2012-03-06 16:10

      @Brenda - I dont think he was talking about you!

      koo.doyle - 2012-03-07 12:15

      Yeah, I think you may be the exception Brenda.

  • Laverne - 2012-03-06 09:30

    Love it - def sending this to my husband!!

  • Zack - 2012-03-06 09:34

    Great one David, this one was due! Woman should be praised everyday for what they do for us as men...Maybe I also just liked this because I'm getting married in a months time. haha

  • Ntando - 2012-03-06 09:36

    Very funny and yeah, some women are a gift from above. I repeat-some women.

  • Melani - 2012-03-06 09:38

    You rock dude... well spoken... don't get me wrong i'm not anti men or anything its just great to hear we are appreciated every now and then... I think this earth would be no where if it wasn't for women and also for men.. we make a great team that can't go without the other.... Everyone is equally important except for lazy bastards.... Thanks for making my day...

  • SGL - 2012-03-06 09:40

    Now if only all men thought this way! Give the man some chicken pie Irene!

  • Helen - 2012-03-06 09:43

    Love you too, David...

  • Meagykar - 2012-03-06 09:47

    Awesome!

  • Yvonne - 2012-03-06 09:48

    thank you!

  • janjohanwim - 2012-03-06 10:15

    Hahaha. Slow down boet, like your famous forerunner so beautifully proclaimed: "the lady doth protest too much" (was that spelled correctly?). I am not insinuating you are of the finer sex, I am pointing out that you manage to raise a faint suspicious smell with the flattering. But then again, that has always been one of the characteristics of your writing was it not? So well done, i recon you can look forward to another chocolate bum or two ...

  • Desiree - 2012-03-06 10:20

    So 'n mond moet heuning kry, gee daai man 'n Bells! :-)

  • Xoli - 2012-03-06 11:25

    You have just scored big time with the ladies, especially your mother in law..

      trix.duvenage - 2012-03-06 17:25

      Ek dink daai ou vrou sien regdeur sy scemes. Wonder hoeveel geld het sy? Is mos die ouma waarvoor hy so'skrikkerig' is?

  • DayanGovender - 2012-03-06 11:59

    Great Stuff:)

  • Skysurfer - 2012-03-06 12:11

    Great article David. You've hit a new level in recent months and your articles are the only ones I look forward to reading on a frequent basis. As for the name calling, I wouldn't worry. Insults and calling someone names are normally a reflection on the person making the comment, and if I remember correctly, you summarised it quite well - stupid :) all the best for the next chapter of your life man!

  • Honey - 2012-03-06 12:19

    What a beautiful sagacious person you are David!!! Never change!! And very funny!!!

  • Godfrey - 2012-03-06 13:16

    One thing is for sure. If women ruled the world it would be a much safer and better organised and generally less corrupt place.

      Grant - 2012-03-06 16:13

      ...and most countries wouldn't be talking to each other! :P

  • leoniemollentze - 2012-03-06 13:21

    We love you too, Moses!

  • heatherlynn.roberts - 2012-03-06 14:52

    About time someone recognised our worth!

  • Tracey - 2012-03-06 15:12

    Suction pad!

  • Marion - 2012-03-06 18:27

    oh David this made me laugh then brought a tear to my eye!! You must be getting soft in your old age. Lots of love from your aunt who lives too far away!! See you in January.

  • Heidi - 2012-03-07 07:16

    Aww shucks....:)Thanks David hope my boyfriend shares your sentiments.

  • 123sdp - 2012-03-07 15:14

    This is much better than you eye out ripping story of woman that shouldn't drive. .. Your good hearted writing above just sweeps so niceley into our ears. Well done!

  • mknnko003 - 2012-03-15 01:53

    Sarcastic or real?

  • raul.white.35 - 2012-08-09 13:59

    what Eleanor responded I'm in shock that someone can earn $6241 in 1 month on the computer. have you seen this website http://qikr.co/7nn9m

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