Guest Column

Super to Gwede: Don’t Mantashe on Cyril

2017-05-14 10:59
The ANC's Super Zuma. (City Press)

The ANC's Super Zuma. (City Press)

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Paddy Harper

Wednesday.

It’s close to standing-room only in the ground-floor boardroom in the ANC’s provincial office in Durban’s Stalwart Simelane Street.

There’s already a full hedgehog of microphones bristling from the table where the KwaZulu-Natal provincial secretary Super Zuma – the ANC cats not-so-jokingly call him the deputy premier – is set to address the media about the governing party’s recent executive committee meeting.

I’m a little restless. Sitting around doing nothing for three-quarters of an hour with a roomful of journalists and no free bar or buffet to raid will do that to you.

Super’s late.

Nobhala, as he’s also called, usually is. Today, he’s seemingly on a roll.

It’s already a full half an a hour past the midday kick-off time and the comrade is nowhere to be seen.

The Gupta station already has its live feed running. The SABC crew is bored and is shooting “hi, mum” shots of journalists fiddling with smartphones.

My stomach starts rumbling. I consider ducking out for a quick chicken tikka and naan and a head shave. And maybe a swim.

I can always file from the press release and the video off the ANC website.

The door opens. Super walks in with Mdumiseni Ntuli. Both their heads are gleaming like Daddy’s (President Jacob Zuma’s) as they take their seats.

It’s pretty clear why we’re late. The comrades have stopped off at the barber, so they look their best for the TV cameras.

The stubble on my unshaven dome and face starts itching. Razor envy, I guess.

Super starts. The comrades, Super says, are displeased. Appalled even, by the events of recent weeks.

The comrades aren’t displeased with Buhle Mkhize for her tweets about Minister Mpandla – that’s Finance Minister Malusi Gigaba to you – and his bedroom habits.

Neither are they angry with Norma Gigaba for her refusal to stick to designing his-and-hers shirts and staying off TV.

Nor with Comrade Gigs, as the faithful in the Kingdom call him, for his apparent inability to keep his penis in his pants during his trips to the Big Apple.

The comrades are angry with CR17, Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa, for his decision to address other comrades in Newcastle without asking for permission from Super to talk to the comrades.

Somehow, nobody noticed CR17’s convoy, complete with a small army of cops, drive off from Nquthu to Newcastle the other Thursday.

The comrades want Super to report CR17 to Gwede Mantashe.

The comrades want Gwede to not Mantashe (make a U-turn) and to tell CR17 off.

My stomach starts grumbling again.

Follow me on Twitter @PaddyHarper1

Read more on:    anc  |  super zuma  |  cyril ramaphosa  |  gwede mantashe  |  jacob zuma  |  malusi gigaba  |  politics
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