Khaya Dlanga

Lord Have Mercy! Durban July!

2011-06-29 08:55

And so, the Durban July is upon us. Many people (and yes, some of you are even reading this as we speak) will descend upon the sunny beach side city to pretend to be going to watch horses run around a track with green grass. Honestly, what is so exciting about that? Not that much. In fact a lot of people won’t even be betting on the horses and they don’t know single horse’s name.

So this begs the question, what are people really going to do there? Well, simple really. To see, to be seen and to party. And to see and be seen partying. The Durban July has become some sort of mini Vegas for many people. They go there to throw away their names – and their panties. Unfortunately, Durban is not Vegas, what happens in Durban doesn’t stay in Durban. This is the result of the age of BBM and Twitpics.

Those of you who are going for the glorious debauchery, remember that Monday is around the corner. Let me turn my sights on those with significant others they will be leaving behind. You will mostly get dumped upon if you have a significant other, particularly if you acted as if your significant other is an insignificant other while you’re there.

Some will come back broke.

Those who come back broke, I have a few strategies for you. I suggest one of the strategies these people should apply is to visit friends every night, just before supper. If they are real friends they will have no choice but to feed you. When you go out, conveniently forget wallet at home. Failing that, you could just say your wallet and bankcards were stolen while you were in Durban. This is a very plausible statement to make upon your return. You could even make it more believable by stating how mad you are, so mad in fact you won’t be going back next year. And oh, just remember not to accidentally use that wallet at the end of the month in front of your friend once you get paid.

Some will go to Durban with Sugar daddies’ money.

Now, now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this. Just the other day, Father’s Day, I couldn’t tell if people were walking with their dads or sugar daddies. Anyway, that’s not the point. It’s not the women’s fault that we mature so late really. It goes to show that we men have a long way to go before we can catch up to women. Maybe we never do catch up. (That line was written with the impure intention of getting chicks to dig me.)

Without a doubt, there will be ladies who will be flying, driving down who have no idea where they will be sleeping. Of course, there will be many vultures waiting for them who will offer them accommodation and expecting them to pay in kind. They will be what Brenda Fassie sang about, Weekend Specials. Am I saying all dudes do this? No. But just be careful. We don’t want you doing things you regret.

Just to end off. If you must behave badly, be safe. If you must go and are broke, have a plan for when you get back. If you want to maintain your reputation but want to behave badly, let me repeat, what happens in Durban doesn’t stay in Durban.

Just messing with you, just don’t come back being a father, a mother, with some disease or broke. Don’t act Top Shayela if you’re not. Just go there to have fun and come back with your name intact. We like your name. Go there, have fun and don’t do anything you will regret. If needs be, be a coward. Being a coward can save you from doing a lot of things you might regret later. Remember, you have mothers.  

So, go on my friends. Have the time of your loves. Party. We all know you won’t see the horses.  If you come back broke, our kitchens will welcome you. And oh, don’t forget to take pics.

- Follow Khaya on Twitter.

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