Khaya Dlanga

The ass out and other hugs

2011-10-07 11:21

The hug is not as simple as it seems. Nor as harmless as it appears to be. Yet there are many intricacies that involve this age-old ritual known as the hug. The awkwardness comes in many different shapes and forms.

Just the other day, I wrote a tweet and it went thus: #TeamAgainAssOutAndDoublePatOnTheBackHugs. It got an unexpected reaction which told me that many people were familiar and actually hated the ass out hug. Rightfully so.

I believe that it may be apt for me to introduce you to the various hugs that are available and dished out to unsuspecting victims everywhere and every day. Yes, even the most hug savvy person out there may fall into the trap of the following hugs. Read on and know your hugs.

1: The ass out hug

Many men have experienced this one. And don’t start acting like the man as if you’ve never encountered this one. Ladies, I know you’re all guilty of this hug. What is the “ass out hug”? Well, thank you for asking. The ass out hug is one where a member of the opposite sex hugs you while ensuring that there is the largest possible gap between both your crotches, a gap wide enough to fit in Khulubuse. The perpetrators of this hug are usually women. The primary reason for this hug from them is to ensure that the man that is being hugged doesn’t start thinking that he stands a chance, if you know what I mean. This is a cold hug and it needs to be stopped.

2: The church side hug

The church side hug is fairly common amongst your evangelical Christian types. It is also known as the side-hug. In case you are not familiar with it, allow me to describe it to you. It usually involves a brother and sister in Christ. When they hug, just their shoulders touch. Maybe this hug originated from the fact that people were usually carrying a big and heavy Bible on the other side? I am merely speculating here. The purpose of this hug is to ensure there is no hint of sexual arousal taking place between the two parties greeting each other. This hug needs to stay where it belongs, church.

3: The double pat on the back hug

This hug is bad when administered by a lady to man. What is the double pat on the back hug? This hug is self-explanatory, when one hugs you; they leave you an extra two, or three pats on the back. Sometimes it is also followed by an uncomfortable smile. This hug says, “Don’t think you’ll ever get laid by me buddy.” It is the ultimate friend zone sign.

4: The awkward after first date hug.

Let me tell you a little story: He drops her off after a date. They have a brief chat in the car before coming out. He gets out of the car and runs to her side to open her door. She gets out of the car. They carry on chatting by the passenger side. There is an uncomfortable silence, which indicates that they have both run out of things to say. He is wondering how to say goodbye to her. Do I kiss her with the hug? Do I just hug her and say goodbye? Is it even appropriate to hug her? Meanwhile, she’s thinking, “he’s a nice guy and all, but please don’t kiss me now.” Then he says goodbye. As they reach out for the hug, they each turn their faces to the same side. Their arms clash awkwardly in mid-air. Finally they hug, as he tries to kiss her cheek, he ends up kissing her hair.

5: The almost hug.

The best way to explain this one is this: That awkward moment when you reach out for a hug and they grab your hand for a handshake. It’s the hug turned into a handshake.

6: The ass out, double pat on the back hug

This is probably the worst hug of them all. The ass is out, and then you get the double pat on the back. Sometimes it’s also accompanied by the back rub. I also call this the Patronising hug.

7: The sexually charged hug

This hug is the extremely close up hug, where one feels the other person’s crotch and the only thing preventing the hug from turning into fully blown sex are the clothes you’re both wearing. It’s usually accompanied by a pat on the ass. Or a hand sliding down to the small of the back and then touching the rear end.

8: The creepy uncle hug (for the ladies)

I don’t need to delve any deeper into this one.

That is all. As you were.

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