Mr President, I presume
2008-11-05 12:19
Chris Roper
Oh oh! A black president for America. Do those white folk over there know what they're letting themselves in for?
America has no experience whatsoever in being ruled by an Afro-American (not in fact a type of 70s motor home, it turns out, but the term for somebody who can trace his lineage to a part of Africa, eg. Hawaii).
I'll bet that all over America today, good ol' boys are frantically dredging up the stereotypes they've learnt from CNN, Hollywood, and that nice South African boy who moved in down the road.
We know exactly what they'll be scared of, so in the spirit of deep satire, here's a list of the dangers they're going to believe they're facing. This one's for my buddies in Ohio.
What they're thinking
"For some reason, a black president will always be corrupt." So if there's money to be made from starting a random war and then getting a kickback from the arms dealers and merchants of death, he'll do it. And so will his Vice President. Did someone say Halliburton? I know nobody said Dick Cheney.
"Black presidents are nepotistic despots, who always favour their cronies and immediate family." It's not uncommon for a father to hand over control of a country to his son. The twit never falls far from the Bush, as we wise old elders say here in Africa?. Yep, that's elders now with extra old.
"Black presidents feel nothing for environmental issues." If there's oil in their grandmother's backyard, that grandmother is dead. As is her pet polar bear, whimsically called Alaska.
"Nationalisation." It's not a dirty word, everyone's doing it. Black presidents will jump at the first chance to nationalise their banks (or part-nationalise, as the Bush government calls it), because the hand that controls the money rocks the world.
"Black presidents don't speak English lekker." So they're an embarrassment to their country when they have to debate with politicians who can speak English, for example the French. Black presidents will say things like "Do you have blacks, too?", or "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
Sarcasm aside
Okay, enough being sarcastic. And I hope you all spotted that those examples are of President Bush, who isn't black, just Texan.
Barack Obama. It's a good thing, they tell me. The first ever black president of the USA. They tell me that it's going to give hope to all Africans everywhere, with emphasis on Kenya and Hawaii. Hope of what, you ask?
Well, now we can all pull into Barack's place and sleep on the floor next time we visit America, which is a big moneysaver, let's face it. And there's going to be lots more money streaming into Africa, because African immigrants always send money home. Also, Americans are finally going to have to learn a little bit about Africa, and discover that Kenya is not what Barbie shouts out when she orgasms, but in fact a country.
It's a little known fact that it was the Mormon vote that swung things Obama's way, with that jolly church of Latter Day Saints seeing the opportunities in having a president who comes from a culture where polygamy is legal. Not to mention a culture where it's okay to take a child bride. I see a new Mormon day dawning, and the invention of a new type of hyphenated American, the AfroMormon-American.
Looking up
Already, things are looking up for Afro-American Africans. They're claiming that this is the first election where race played a part, with more than 19 out of 20 black voters backing Obama. (I know! I thought there'd be more people voting too!)
This is a slap in the face to all those Pale-Americans who've made sure that there's been a white man in the White House the last 42 times (I'm not counting Nixon, who was obviously some sort of Venezuelan). But I guess that's why there are no Euro-Americans in America. The Ground Zero for being an American, at least linguistically, is still whiteness.
Anyway, here's to the success of our American brother from another electoral mother. If Tiger Woods could make golfers hip, then perhaps Barack Obama can make politics phat, instead of the usual fatcats fatter.
Chris Roper blogs at chrisroper.co.za. He's a Blogger-African.
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