Gone in 30 Seconds

2008-11-11 10:27

David Moseley

Somewhere in South Africa, in a dark, dank room, where the rats roam and the faucets drip, drip, drip, sits a deeply demented man cackling gleefully at the untold misery he's caused millions of South Africans.

No, it's not the chap who invented ring tones featuring Daffy Duck singing your favourite Boney M classics, nor is it Leon Schuster. It's the inventor of 30 Seconds, that baleful board game that does nothing for maintaining good relations.

There are only three things in life that get my back up to the extent that a frown crosses my brow. In order of incandescence, they are: women drivers

(I don't care what you all think. You can't drive. You can be pilots, yes - no parallel flying required. But you can't drive. Let's look at the world of sport as a prime example. You get female soccer teams, cricket teams, rugby teams, sprinters, marathon runners, golfers and more. And each and every athlete is remarkable. But there's been little or no clamour for a breakaway Ladies League Formula One series - no room for shopping in the F1 boot? - or a Women's World Rally Cross Event).

Coming in at number two on the rage-o-metre: people who are crippled by indecision. "I'll have fish. I mean steak. I'd like a beer, sorry, a glass of wine. Yes I love you and I want to move in and hopefully one day buy a house with you. Oh, I'm sorry, what I really meant was, it's over."

But first place on my red mist maker belongs firmly to board games and in particular, 30 Goddam Seconds. Cut me off in traffic? No worries, that's just part and parcel of life in SA. Tax my salary? I get that, the people need the funds. Talk on your cellphone at the movies? Hhey, sometimes you just have to take the call. But ask me to play with your stupid questions, colourful markers and ridiculous dice? Forget it.

I'd rather paint a wall and watch it dry with repeats of 3rd Degree droning on in the background.

Start with 30 Seconds

Jacob Zuma, in the biggest twist of irony ever for a man who wants to sleep with his machine gun, wants to clamp down on television violence because it incites similar actions in real life. He's starting at the wrong place. He should kick-off his moral crusade by burning every copy of 30 Seconds in the country.

Trivial Pursuit can stay (NJQ and I are the reigning Betty's Bay Trivial Pursuit Champions. So it would be sad to see that go). Monopoly's cool because it teaches you how to cheat from early on in life. "No Steven, I'll be the banker. Yes, that's right, the banker gets five R500 notes and all the dark blue properties from the beginning. Those are the rules."

Scrabble is great too because you can catatonically mull over your words until putting down CAT on a triple word score, just enrage your competitors on purpose.

But 30 Seconds is all incoherent shouting and babbling, often accompanied by idiots on your own team who blurt out the answer for the opposition. Plus, how can you not lose your shit with teammates when the kind of clues they give are "it's the famous hamburger" or "it's the book, it's the movie". Ja, that narrows it down.

The ire raised during bouts of non-sequitur-ish 30 Seconds bellowing is such that one of my best friends cruelly attacked my looks (I might have raised an eyebrow at her first), and an ex-girlfriend started crying just because I told her she was braindead.

I mean who doesn't know the answer to "played his fiddle while Rome was burning to the ground..."

Don't make me play 30 Seconds. You wouldn't like me when I play 30 Seconds.

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