Turn out the lights

2008-09-02 10:27

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David Moseley

On the 10th of September some insanely intelligent nutters on the French-Swiss border, somewhere near Geneva, will fire up a piece of Star Wars wizardry called the Large Hadron Collider (or the LHC if you prefer abbreviations).

The R60bn-plus piece of machinery is the world's largest particle accelerator complex and clever chaps in Europe hope to discover more about the creation of the universe by pressing the "on" button next Wednesday.

Forgive me, but I'm in Edinburgh, and the only newspaper I could get my hands on was the Scottish Sun, so in between 33 pages devoted to the Rangers vs Celtic derby match from Sunday, this is about as moving as the news gets here. That and news that the Celtic goalkeeper has been on drinking and shagging binges behind his wife's back. Seriously, that was page four.

Anyway, the Sun describes the LHC actions as thus, "New particles of matter are expected to be discovered, new dimensions found beyond the four known, as scientists re-create conditions in the first billionths of a second after the Big Bang." The best part of the story, naturally in a paper of the Sun's constituency, is the headline "End of the World in Nine Days". I love it.

Hole-in-one

Opposing scientists are concerned that the LHC will create mini-black holes (you know, those things in Star Trek where all the bad stuff happens or, more scientifically, hungry space monsters that gobble up stars, space dust, unmanned flights to Mars, Ziggy Stardust and planets in other galaxies). These dissenters, ("Philistines!" shout the LHC-tinkering scientists from across the room) think the mini-black holes will expand and suck the planet into the 45th Dimension in an instant. "We'll never know unless we try!" bellow back the mangy, wild-eyed Germans, French, Swiss and Wouter Basson in the dimmed corner.

But hey, in an age where the Bok coach compares himself and his situation to the plight of Jesus and Hurricanes seem intent on wiping out New Orleans, what harm can a little particle acceleration do?

At worst it proves that our existence really was created by a rather large and expansive firecracker, and at best it acts like a gigantic (and pricey) Ouija board summoning the creator from his slumber and putting scientists out of their misery the world over.

Still, if the LHC does go mental and creates many mini and unstable black holes, we'll never know it happened. So in light of the end of the world, according to the Scottish Sun mind you, where the second biggest story in the paper is a pictorial about Vladimir Putin shooting tigers (it did have George on the collar), I suggest using the next nine days as a bit of a goof off.

Make a list

I'm already overseas ploughing away my credit card's Rands into British tourism and the funds for Team GB's 2012 success, so the sense of adventure is already there. I get back on the 8th, so that gives me two days to keep my girlfriend locked up indoors, ushering in the end of the world in fine style. In the meantime I'm just going to carry on drinking my way through the UK's pale ales (27 varieties so far). It's like paying your TV license. It's the right thing to do.

Other things to do before the world ends:

Protest on a dinghy alongside a Japanese whaling boat.

Go to Brighton for the day (I don't really have a choice here. My mom is making me go tomorrow).

Buy space suits ($34 on Ebay) just in case the black hole sends you to the moon.

Ask the pilot if you can fly the plane home for a wee bit. I'm definitely asking the nice BA guy on Sunday night.

Turn out the lights.

Send your comments to David.

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Haha Dave this is your best column ever!! Loved it, really made me laugh out loud quite literally. Ended up having to explain my laughter to my less than amused colleagues. Enjoy the rest of the trip, I'm thoroughly jealous!

Turn out the lights? Hahaha, thanks, had one of those deep belly chuckles that make co-workers look at me strangely. I'm excited about this experiment. I think the possibilities, the scientists' hopes of what they'll discover, is fascinating.

I'm imagining next Wednesday, talking to my wife and then noticing that all sound has disappeared. Then my hands are missing. Then just a quiet "foop" and we're all in some parallel dimension being stared at by drooling, tentacled aliens. I reckon they'd eat our politicians first. Which alien wouldn't find Manto Shabalala-Msimang to be a juicy morsel?

Haha, very funny piece, Dave. Nice reading. Would hate to be in Scotland rite now, but would give anything to be Geneva when they fire that baby up (probably wouldnt notice much, but still). Put your houses in order people, and prepare to meet your maker.

I'm surprised anybody in SA noticed this. I've been following the development of the LHC for the last 2 years, not because I'm into particle physics, just because I'm curious. South Africans tend to be seriously clueless about these ground breaking stuff happening in the world, unless it comes under a "end of the world" banner. On that note I should mention that apart from mini black holes, there is also the risk of creating strangelets, false vacuum's and magnetic monopoles, all planet killers (I particular like the strangelet "ice-9" scenario). Wikipedia these if you're bored, it makes some interesting reading. Personally, I'm not making any end of the world lists just yet. Enjoy the pale ales.

It used to be that the Scottish Sun devoted 48 pages to the Celtic-Rangers derby ... ah my, what's the world coming to! Cheers David, for the highly enjoyable column... any chance you wrote this in the World's End pub in Edinburgh...?

You should also mention that apart from mini black holes, there's also the risk of creating strangelets, false vacuums and magnetic monopoles, all planet killers. There's also the risk of misspelling hadron, by swapping the r and d, making a totally different kind of weapon. Enjoy the ales!!

Seeing as the LHC just a really big (and therefore cool) particle accelerator, and this sort of tomfoolery has been going on for a while now, i won't be reaching for the switch just yet. I presume the LHC will also be housed at CERN, which is where the next biggest accelerator is in any case. Same scientists - new tricks. Some answers, more questions. etc.

Haha, brilliantly put mate! I believe something BIG can be discovered from the LHC. But from my point of view, even if they prove they're theory of the big bang, they'll still miss the BIGGER QUESTION... WHO CREATED THE BIG BANG!!!! Something can't be created out of nothing. Muppets!!! Njoy your trip mate, go LARGE!!!

Don't invest in 2012 the Mayans have already predicted this is when the world will end. Carry on drinking yourself into oblivion or some other place. Not black holes but drinking holes is where to invest your cash.

Remember y2k fear that was fueled by the attendant press coverage and other media speculation, as well as corporate and government reports. While no significant computer failures occurred when the clocks rolled over into 2000

Great article BTW, I'm just trying to make as if the THC is not there, it's the single best ability I've earned from my country, if you insist that something doesn't exist long and hard enough, soon 40 million people will follow dancing and celebrating in your footsteps... @ Some Bloke I'm sure the Japanese would be happy being able to finally shoot tentacle porn with a real camera, and not having to draw everything by hand...*HAHAHA*

What do people mean when they ask "will you be ready when the world ends?". Ready for what? We can never really know what's going to go down on the day, so how do you prepare for the unknown? Pack a toothbrush?

That's where the buck stops dude! Something far greater than our average,- limited by our experience- brains comes in....one only has to look at th eorder and precision in the universe to know there is a CREATOR

For all the nerds out there that are interested there is a thing called a RHIC (Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider) in New York where they had bash (excuse the pun) at ending the world a little while back. It didn't work, so they spend another few billion on another toy. And people say that scientists don't have any fun.

There's not much chance of a singularity forming for too long considering how much power is needed just to make these nano-scale black holes. We'd need to burn the entire planet to set-up a stable black hole of any significance.Unstable Black holes are fine: They'll dissipate due to Hawking Radiation so long as they're below the critical mass required for stability. It's the "Stable Black Holes" we have to worry about like BEE and other black bodies set-up to drain the universe of energy.

Dave, i think you have a brilliant sense of humour and enjoy your witty exploits from time to time. I do however long for an article from you with a little more substance and ... not so much bull@#$% to put it bluntly.

You know, we should be doing the things we want to do before we die now anyway, even if the world doesn't end in a week's time, because your world could end at anytime - now that is something that none of us have any control over

Whooohooo, this means I can go out and buy that dream Ferrari on credit and lets see, whatever else I have always wanted - hope the credit act ppl has a sense of humour after 10/09/08 if like the y2k nothing actually happens. But seriously, if this thing goes pearshaped I would like to know how warm to dress to be sucked into the other dimensions????

Nothing happened in 2000 because computer programmers like myself, spent close on 5 years fixing the problem... IT proffesionals never claimed it was the end of the world, as all the Y2K bug was, was that the Century was not included in date fields.... The worst that would have happened is that your age would have been calculated incorrectly e.g. If you were 35 in 2000, the computer program would have taken the year 00, subtracted you D.O.B 65 (1965) and calculated that you were 65 years old...

Good one, enjoyed today's column! So, do you think all the world-enders have stocked up on sardines & bottled water, just in case? I'm off to the pub for a couple of Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters & hitch a lift from the Vogons!