You can tuna fish, but not a seal
2005-11-02 08:19
Chris Roper
This is one of those times, as a columnist, when I find myself torn between my overwhelming desire to make fun of the stupidity of my fellow human beings, and the less pressing urge to be sensitive to people who have suffered.
Because there's no doubt that Elsie van Tonder, whose nose was bitten off by a seal in Herold's Bay, has suffered. And is still suffering. And all because of an altruistic desire to help an animal.
According to Louise Ellis, van Tonder's daughter, "The seal was lying among the rocks and hissed when my mother stroked its face and head. We thought the seal was dying and my mother suggested that we should roll her onto my one-year-old baby, Elouise's blanket and try to get her back into the water".
They tried to roll the seal over, which got understandably upset (it was a Cape furry seal, or Shoo Bru Seal as it's called by local fishermen, which are notorious for not wanting to do any physical exercise whatsoever). I'm not sure why the angels of mercy wanted to get the seal back into the water, unless they confused seals with whales, but try they did.
It's a gripping tale, all right, full of danger and mystery. Not the least of the questions that aren't answered is this one: Is Elouise Louise's fifth daughter, and are the others named Alouise, Blouise, and so forth? Oh, I shouldn't make fun, I know. But you have to laugh at people who don't realise that wild animals are, in fact, wild animals.
Me and Mr Squiddly
I realised this at an early age, when I was savaged by a feral squirrel that I knew, at least for 10 seconds, as Mr Squiddly. I remember thinking, as I reached out to pat it in the Company Gardens in Cape Town on that fateful Spring day, "I think I'll call you Mr Squiddly". The next thing I knew was pain, blood, and the birth of a lifelong fear of women wearing fur collars.
Now while it might be slightly unwise, not to mention a bit smelly, to stroke a seal, we can feel a little sympathy. After all, that's just plain stupidity, and if everyone had their noses bitten off for being stupid, where would we be? Exactly. Awash in snot.
But when the victim's daughter says that "We believe that it was negligent of the SPCA and CapeNature to not put up boards warning that seals could be dangerous," and asks the question, "Who is going to pay for her pain suffering and plastic surgery?" - well, the sympathy starts running out slightly.
What next? Someone demanding that cars carry large warning signs that say "Will cause damage if you jump in front of it?" Japanese tourists - or at least their surviving relatives - claiming damages from the Kruger Park because the lions don't have sandwich boards around their necks saying "Will bite if you get out your car, walk up to me and set off a flash in my face, you moron?"
It could get even more ridiculous. McDonald's could be made to put the words "May contain hot beverage" on their takeaway coffee cups. Eh? What's that you say? They ALREADY do that? Well, that's just weird. What do they mean, "may" contain hot beverage? If I buy coffee, I want to be absolutely SURE it's going to be hot. What's this "may" business? That's the last time I buy coffee there. I can't take the existential doubt.
I'm sure I was writing about seals... oh yes. I extend my deepest sympathies to the seal victim, but really, we can't try and blame somebody else for this.
Unless you've been raised on a diet of Lion King movies and those cheap Animal Crackers for your entire life, you really should know that seals are wild creatures. While they're not as dangerous as squirrels, they're still pretty vicious. In fact, there should be some kind of club for them.
Chris Roper won't be writing a column next week, because he'll be in Amsterdam being savaged by a stroopwafel.
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See Chris's previous columns in his blog New Free Sex.
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