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Advice for young women who has been sleeping around and thinks they won’t find love

By Faeza
12 January 2017

As much as I am a great believer in the rights of the individual, I also believe

very strongly that freedom comes at a price. It is very unfortunate that society

judges a woman who is free and liberated enough to express her sexuality very differently to how it judges a young man who does the same thing.

I find that very unfair. In the same breath, I believe that the first person that you are accountable to, is the young lady in the mirror. If the things you do leave you fulfilled and happy, and you can look yourself in the mirror and hold your head up high afterwards, then it is fine.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP

that the first person that you are accountable to, is the young lady in the mirror. If the things you do leave you fulfilled and happy, and you can look yourself in the mirror and hold your head up high afterwards, then it is fine.

LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF

The problem comes when you find yourself ashamed of the things that you did. You wake up having lost a part of your soul with each person that you sleep with. That is a terrible

place to be.

Let us forget for a minute the judgements and stereotypes of society. Let us just talk about you. Let us talk about self-preservation. See, if you were just a sexual being and just a woman who happens to be comfortable with her own sexuality, then we would have a very

different discussion.

RED FLAGS

I honestly think that we need to get past the age where men are allowed to be sexual and to do what they want with their bodies, while women are not. Sadly, that is not what I am

getting from your letter. Your message is telling me that after your sexual exploits, you walk away sad and hating yourself.

You also feel ashamed. Those are traits of sexual addiction. Addiction to porn is a big

red flag. Chronic self-pleasuring, having multiple partners and cheating

on partners are also red flags.

THE SHAME FACTOR

The reason you are contemplating leaving your current university is because you are probably ashamed of seeing and being seen by the people that you have been having

sex with. And young men being what they are, they have probably not been very discreet about their exploits with you.

These are all signs of sexual addiction. You need to take a look at where it

comes from and seek professional help as soon as possible.

UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL ADDICTION

Sexual addiction manifests itself in two ways: replacing sex for love and

pursuing varied or extreme sexual activities that are focused on the sex acts, not on any type of connection between two people. Does all of this sound like you?

You will need to do a lot of soul searching. Most importantly, you

need to gradually learn that you can be accepted and loved beyond sex.

DO NOT LOSE HOPE

This could have been caused by a struggle to get accepted and fit into

your new environment. It could also be you lashing out and rebelling

against your strict upbringing.

Ultimately, only you can bring change into your life. Get sexual addiction counselling;

perhaps do more reading on sexual addiction and even join a support

group. It all starts with you taking the first step: admitting that you have

a problem. You can’t change it until you have acknowledged it. Get the

help you clearly need. Please give this situation a lot of thought. I have only given my

opinion based on what you have shared with me.