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Could you be the other woman?

By Faeza
01 July 2016

BLACK cOUPLE

I AM a 26-year-old woman who is in love with a 32-year-old man. It is still early stages, in

my opinion, since we have been dating for six months. However, I find myself confused

by his mixed messages. He often says things that seem to suggest that this is for keeps.

He refers to me as ‘umam’ or ‘the madam’ when he talks about me to people. He always talks about the future. He asks about how many children we should have and talks about holidays he would like us to take as a family.

Is he selling me dreams? How do I even know if he is not saying the same thing to other women out there? How do I know if that is his normal thing with all women that he dates?

Since we don’t live together, how do I know where he goes when he leaves my house?

How do I know who comes to his house, as soon as I leave? I have tried to go through his

Facebook account and it doesn’t reveal much. I am even tempted to go through his cellphone, just to see where I stand.

I know you are going to say that I must just ask him, but obviously he will tell me what he

thinks I want to hear. How do I know that I am his one and only? I am tired of being

sold dreams by guys.

UNSURE LADY

I think that out of all the statements in your mail, the most telling is the very last line. “I am tired of being sold dreams by guys.” To me, it sounds like you have been stung

before and are now afraid of trusting again.

In short, you are making your current guy pay for the mistakes of previous guys in your life.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

Has he given you any reason to distrust him? Has he ever cheated on you, lied to you or not kept his word?  I am not talking about him being late or cancelling an appointment.

That happens to everybody. Has he ever broken your trust in any way?

I would say that you need to trust your instincts and that if a situation makes you feel uneasy, it is for a reason. I think we have all heard the horror.

A FEW SIGNS

So, to rest your fears, I will give a few signs that might hint that you are not his one and only:

1 Not being clear with his whereabouts

Who he's with If your man is always vague about the places and people he is with, most of whom you don’t know about and when you ask him he is still not clear about it, then alarm bells should start to ring. You will notice he hardly ever gives names of people or places thathe is hanging out.

When somebody always vaguely says he is ‘going out with the guys’ and ‘went for a drink

with colleagues’. That might be cause for concern.

2 He starts becoming secretive

When somebody is straying, they will start to be secretive about their cheating ways so you will not find out. Look for signs such as his phone

being switched off or if he frequently refuses to answer it. He never volunteers to tell you how his day went and when you ask he answers with one word answers. Or, he answers the phone and says, “I can’t talk right now” or even steps out to take some calls. Ping! Warning bells!

3 Distant with you

A new relationship can be exciting, so when your boyfriend comes back from a secret date with a new girl he tends to be bored with the relationship with you. His mind always seems to be pondering on things, in conversations with you he is not fully engaged and his body language is quite restless. Chances are he’s thinking where or who else he may want to be with.

4 Lack of intimacy

This one is the most obvious, yet some ladies never pick up on it. If he is hiding you, he cannot and does not do couple things with you publicly. He doesn’t want to even acknowledge your existence publicly. He will not take pictures with you, because he is ‘private’ but has loads of pictures with friends. Warning bells! I have known many guys who claimed that they were just private and hated splashing their love lives on social media…until they stopped messing around and started dating one woman. Now they are always posing with their one and only. Imagine how the ladies who fell for the “Let’s keep our relationship private” line feel now.

5 Defensive arguments

You start questioning little things like him working late so often and he gets really angry and says you are being controlling. You have the right to ask if you feel something is not right but he goes into massive arguments when you do. This tells you he has something

to hide. All in all, from what you have told me, it sounds like none of these things are happening in your case.

You just need reassurance. And please don’t snoop through his phone. That can and will start the most unnecessary fights ever. Allow yourself to love and trust again. Others may have broken your trust before, but not all men are like those others.