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How to take him back after he has cheated

By Faeza
11 October 2016

The media always talks about women abuse. But we never really get to hear about women who abuse their partners. My live-in partner cheated on me two years ago and I left him. He asked for forgiveness and begged me to come back. I eventually did, but I still have a lot of anger towards him. Everytime I lose my temper, I tell him how useless he is. I sometimes even throw things at him and he just takes it because he feels bad about the cheating.

I really want to stop this behaviour and be happy again, but I cannot help myself. When I get angry even over a small thing, I just lose it. I even remember the dates when he cheated. The day he started dating the other woman, and the day I caught them having sex in our bedroom. Every year on those days, I just want him dead. I want him nowhere near me. The worst thing is that when I took him back, I promised that we would never talk about this issue again but I keep on doing it. I’m tired of being an abusive partner. Please help me. ABUSIVE PARTNER

Taking a man back after he’s cheated requires a different level of strength. You have to be an extraordinarily strong woman to continue to love and live with a person after they’ve betrayed your trust in such a way.

DEALING WITH BETRAYAL

I’d like to start with how you perhaps should have dealt with this from the beginning, before we discuss a way forward. So how does one move on after finding out that their man has been emotionally or sexually connecting with someone else? Though every individual has their own way of dealing with a cheating spouse, here’s what I would recommend you try if you’re considering taking him back.

For a lot of women, the natural reaction to learning that your man ran to someone else is to question your own worthiness and actions. You ask yourself, “What did I do that pushed him into the arms of another woman?” So a big part of the anger that you feel is actually directed at yourself rather than him. However, if you have the sudden urge for self-improvement based upon your experience, go for it.

These kinds of things have an interesting way of fuelling a woman to strive for better things. However, be careful not to confuse bettering yourself with stopping your man’s infidelity. As far as his character goes, he has some obvious issues to unpack and that is not your fault.

WHY ANGER FLARES UP

The reality is, cheaters don’t cheat because there is something missing at home. Cheaters don’t cheat because of something you are not doing. Cheaters cheat because they have something in them that is unfulfilled. They are looking to fill a void in them. The reason why your anger flares up and continues to do so is because you never really got time to heal and you certainly never got your closure. You really should have given yourself time to collect your thoughts and yourself, because living together with built-up anger, and distrust is like trying to build a home on top of a minefield.

When you have unresolved emotions lingering and a man who’s trying to go back to normal as quickly as he can, the healing process for both of you will be delayed. You don’t have to put an exact date and time but there needs to be some time for you to just sort through your emotions. Deal with the infidelity and talk about it. Forget about the pact to never bring it up again, it is doing more harm than good. Deal with it. Decide if you are really going to be okay with rebuilding. If you decide to forgive, you should also try to forget about the cheating.

STICK TO SOLUTIONS

For him, being reminded of his mistake won’t be anything more than annoying. But for you, it can be like reliving that first day of heartbreak all over again. If you’ve accepted him back, you’ve decided that you want to make it work so bringing up the past or harping on it in your mind is a no-no. It’s easier to simply stick to solutions when talking about what happened but be mindful that you can’t live in the past when you’re trying to create a future with someone.

PEACE OF MIND

In order to live in peace after you’ve forgiven him, you will have to set your attention on rebuilding the trust, not on thinking about the act of infidelity. Learning to trust again is painful but that pain lasts longer when you’re constantly digging up the past. Depending on how well you know this man, you should quickly be able to figure out if what happened was truly a mistake, or if this will be the first of many uphill battles when it comes to your man’s infidelity.

As a human, being flawed is just expected and inevitable. But a woman should not let a man who can’t commit to only her to disrespect her. Such a man changes you into something you are not and you end up abusive, which is a bad trait. Don’t allow him to change you into the beast he is. Talk issues through than to react abusively. Taking him back after multiple cheating incidents will begin to set a precedent in your relationship. It lets him and the world know that you are down for whatever. If that is what you agreed to, so be it, but be careful not to continuously take this man back simply because you are in love with what he “could be”.