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How to tell if your man is really into you

By Faeza
23 January 2017

Confused writes: 

MY question is short and sweet. How do I tell whether he is into me or not? They say that men are not as communicative and as demonstrative of their affection as women are. So how do I tolerate his actions and all the manly pride.

Linda Yende responds: 

THE short answer is: Don’t tolerate him. If you have to decode, it means he has not made his feelings and his intentions clear. And the onus is on him to do so. Here’s the long answer: Let us start with the negatives.

HOW TO TELL IF HE IS NOT INTO YOU

The most obvious signs are:

¦ He never calls, it is only you who does the calling.

¦ When you do call him, he is very happy to hear from you. But the moment you are done, it is out of sight out of mind for him.

¦ He only ever responds to your contact (mail, texts, BBM, WhatsApp), but never initiates contact himself.

¦ Whenever you have to do something together, you are the one who always drives the process. You have to keep pushing for him to make time for you.

¦ The only time he makes an effort to see you, is when he wants to get together for sex.

As you may have noticed, I have tried to keep these actions generic, so that they cover both the instances in which you are already involved with one another, as well as cases where you have only just met.

SOME BORDERLINE CASES

¦ You meet him and exchange numbers and then he takes a few days before he calls.

¦ You go out for a date and after the date he says he had a great time, but then doesn’t call for a few days.

¦ You chat occasionally, speak for a while, then he disappears again.

¦ He seems to be dating other people and you are shag-mates.

STUPID RULES

Now, let me tell you why I consider the above borderline cases. Some guys, like women, follow some stupid rules like “the three-day rule”, which states that once a woman has given you her number, you have to wait three days before you call her. They say this is a control thing, so that she doesn’t think you are desperate. Keep her waiting a bit. The same

applies after you have been on a date. (In both cases, I would say no guy who is truly into you would care about stupid rules, but some guys are set in their ways, so let us leave

those as borderline cases). If he chats with you often, then disappears just as much, it could be that he is still trying to figure you out. Ladies, we also have fragile egos. And our minds also work overtime trying to figure you out. So, as a man, I could chat with you

occasionally, then go away to see if you will miss me, or initiate contact at some point as well. Because believe me, we also do not want to waste time and energy on somebody who is not that into us.

THE POSITIVES

The last two cases are interlinked. Those are the borderline situations. They really could go either way. Now let us look at the positives. A man is into you if he:

¦ Calls often, without actually being clingy. (Let’s face it, some guys will call you every hour to check on you. That is a control thing, not love).

¦ Is proud to show you off and to talk to his friends and family about you.

¦ Will have you over at his place as much as he comes to yours. (I cannot say this enough, if you have been dating a man for six months or so, and you have never seen the inside

of his house, you are the woman on the side. He could even be married).

¦ He spends the big holidays (Christmas and New Year’s Day), as well as his birthday, with you. Even if a guy has five women in his life, the one with whom he spends most or all of those special occasions, is the one. This is a fact. I know this statement has sparked

debate in the past, but the women were just in denial. He may lie and tell you that it is his tradition for him to spend these days with his family. But if you meant that much to him,

you would be with him and his family.

¦ He performs random acts of kindness for you and your loved ones. This one is pretty self-explanatory. He cares about you and foresees a future for the two of you. So he needs to make sure that he fits in well into your life.

IF YOU ARE IN DOUBT

There are many more actions that I could add to the list, but these are, to me, the most significant. Ultimately, if you have any doubts whether he is into you or not, the chances are that he isn’t. Because no man will leave a stone unturned to find the one. And if a man really loves you, he will find a way to let you know this. By hook or by crook. And remember, nothing will stand between a man and the woman he loves. Nothing will stop him from getting to you. He will walk if he has to. And nothing will stop him from calling you. Stop making or taking excuses. He will walk to a public phone if all else fails. But he will call. A man who doesn’t call you for three straight days while living in the same country is just not your man. Your question was very openended, so I tried to cover all bases in my response. I hope it helps.