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What to do when he thinks you are a virgin, and you're actually not

By Faeza
15 July 2016

Anonymous writes:

It is better to go into a marriage without any secrets, such as the fact that you have been sexually active in the past, before you met him.

I often read and hear very conflicting opinions on this in your discussions on Facebook and on radio. I’d like to hear your take on this. My fiancé and I have been together for six years now. I met him in church and we are both very staunch Christians who don’t believe in sex before marriage, and are willing to wait for our wedding night for our first time. The problem is; It won’t be my first time. I had a period in my life where I experimented and had sex with a few guys. Actually, several guys.

But I moved past that, got back into the church and obviously never disclosed any of this. He keeps publicly proclaiming that I am his soulmate and that in me he has found the perfect woman, but I am sure all of that would change if he discovers this. We have, on occasion, bumped into some of the people from my past and I just lied and said they were friends. Do I tell him? Or do I risk him finding out the truth, somewhere out there?

Linda Yenda responds:

This is a very difficult subject, because it also includes issues of morality and spiritual belief. We are talking about a lot more than just his ego and his pride about you being each other’s firsts. He believes in no sex before marriage and you have led him to believe that you do too. So, based solely on those grounds, I believe that he has the right to know. From where I stand, you have a moral obligation to let him know. To err is human, to forgive is Godly. If he truly believes in the Word, then he will be willing to forgive, not so much your past, which happened before him, but rather your failure to disclose your past in full.

TALK IT THROUGH

In a perfect world, both partners would know all there is to know about each other. As hard as that might be, it is actually the safest option, because when you have that, you are stronger. There are no surprises. Nobody can surface with any story or any information that could potentially destroy your relationship. In theory, that is a great thing. However, the reality is that many people have fragile egos and very real insecurities.

As such, many men cannot handle the fact that there were others before him in your life; and they certainly cannot handle the possibility that any of those people in your past could have been really great people who also made you happy. That is human nature. And that is what jealousy can do. The fair thing to do, would be to disclose everything now, so that your man can make an informed decision.

IT'S HIS CHOICE

Whether he wants to leave, after he hears the truth, or if he wants to stay and make things work; you need to allow him that choice. And be prepared for any of the possibilities. All I know is, morally you won’t be able to live with this lie, if you go into the marriage with it.

And your chances of him accepting your past and getting past it are drastically diminished when you enter into the marriage on a foundation of lies. As for the issue of how much to disclose; that is always a fascinating one. I have often heard women say they have had three lovers. Many, many women! I have come to accept that many women have just settled on this figure and decided that it is a 'safe' number to disclose.

GREATER UNDERSTANDING

The question then becomes: Who cares? Why should people be disclosing anything at all about their past? Can’t we just live and let live? Forget about who a person has dated in the past and focus on where you are going? My response to this is always that a person’s past greatly determines who they are. A person’s present determines who they are becoming. As such, it really helps to know where a person has come from, to figure out why they are the way that they are.

BE PREPARED

Conversely, not wanting to know where a person is coming from might seem like a safe option, but it also means that you are denying yourself the opportunity to know this person fully. The reality, though, is that not everybody has the emotional maturity to acknowledge that the person they are with has a past. They would much rather put their head in the sand and pretend that the past never happened.

If that makes them sleep better at night, so be it. In conclusion; We need to accept that revealing your past, any part of it, might have dire consequences on your relationship. It might even end it. But don't begin with a big, possibly deal-breaking lie hanging over your heads. Come clean, and start the marriage on a clean slate, and with a clear conscience.