Follow us on:

Why dating a married man is a bad idea

By Faeza
05 August 2016

Confused writes:

I have always been an independent woman. I did my own things and loved my life. I believed a woman should never depend on a man for anything and it seems that, somewhere along the line, I managed to push men away. However, I woke up one morning and realised that despite all that I have, I am lonely. I missed companionship and intimacy

– I really missed sex! And, right on cue, that's when I met Mr X. He was charming and sophisticated. He insisted on buying me flowers whenever we met. He would call me every day to check if I was okay. He made me realise there was a void in my life and he filled it. The catch, though, is that he is happily married. This man has shown me the kind of love I'd never experienced in my life.

A part of me believes he doesn’t love his wife as much as he says he does. I mean, if he did, why would he need me in his life? I would never have even looked at a married man before, but here I am, deeply in love with one. What do I do?

Linda Yende responds

I would like to start by saying, although you are not saying it in so many words, it seems as if you are hoping that he will leave his wife for you. I’m afraid to tell you that the chances of that happening, based on past history, are very slim. This doesn’t happen, even when a man claims that his marriage is rocky and he is unhappy.Divorce caused by a man who has fallen in love with somebody else is actually quite rare because of family dynamics, children and the bond that has been created by the families. The odds get stacked a lot more against you when the man professes that he loves his wife and is very happy where he is.

LOVE AND ATTRACTION

There's something very interesting about love and attraction. I am sure you are familiar with the 80-20 principle of love. He could easily be in a marriage with his wife, who fulfills 80% of his needs. Then you come along and offer the 20% he is lacking at home.

This doesn't mean he wants to leave his wife for you. It would be an unrealistic expectation from you. Some people have the ability to make you feel like you are the most important, most amazing, person in the world.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

And whilst there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it creates an unrealistic expectation in you, where you find yourself thinking that you and him were meant to be. That the two of you belong together for eternity. When, in reality, every woman he has ever been with is left feeling that way.

Having said all of this, perhaps I am wrong. Maybe you are very happy with what you have between you. Maybe you are enjoying the company, the attention and the bond between the two of you and want nothing more. However, I hope the above helps, just in case you find yourself gravitating towards that direction.

SOMEBODY'S BODY

A relationship in which one falls in love with somebody who belongs to somebody else rarely ends well. As I have raised these questions on many occasions before: What is the best case scenario? What is the best ending you could ever hope for in this situation?

Let's just say, hypothetically, that he does leave his wife and decides to settle with you. What then? Will you ever feel secure, knowing what he is capable of? Will you ever rest easy, knowing that he could be with a new woman who is now basking in the warmth that you used to enjoy as his mistress?

THE ACCIDENTAL MISTRESS

This is a classic case of what we call The Accidental Mistress. You were not noodling for a relationship with a married man. You were not even looking for a relationship at all. But, the truth is, what often happens is that we suppress our needs and desires and we convince ourselves that we are okay and we don’t need anybody in our lives. Sadly, when we do that, we are setting ourselves up, because it is precisely at that point that we end up finding that which we have been avoiding.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

No man (or woman) is an island. And when love finds you, it will turn your entire world, and everything you thought you knew, around. Do not beat yourself up about this. Do not despise yourself or be hard on yourself for turning into something you were not. Just know and understand that as humans, we are constantly evolving. Your man, your love, is out there; one who was made for you and whom you can proudly call yours, without having to hide your love and your relationship.

Be grateful that this man has made you realise that such a man and such a love exists. Settle for nothing less when seeking out your man. Now you know that your expectations of a man were not unrealistic. I understand why you would think that there will never be another man like him. And that you are better off just having a small part of him. But you know you deserve better.

The moral of the story is that although many women find themselves having an affair with a married man, this shouldn't be the case. The Bible forbids it and it is frowned upon in society. Mr Right is waiting for you out there.