PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 24
Article views: 1644
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

17 Million Potato Heads?

06 July 2014, 21:00

Sometimes, when reading the news in the morning, it takes up to thirteen articles to make me laugh. This morning it took just two. Thank you News24, and thank you Rapport.

1st Article:

News24 reported that a third of the people, living right here in the Ar-se of Africa (RSA), were mentally ill.

“Dr Yusuf Moosa, head of clinical psychiatry at the University of the Witwatersrand, said that more than 17 million people in the country are dealing with mental health issues including depression, bipolar disorder, potholes, anxiety, lack of service delivery, schizophrenia, corruption, and substance abuse,” according to the article.

But there is hope, Sakkie!

“Australian researchers recently unveiled a Twitter tool, called: We Feel. This tool analyses up to 32 000 tweets per minute – about 10% of all English-language tweets – for 600 words that are linked to emotions such as love, joy, surprise, anger, sadness, and fear.”

The article concludes: “The We Feel Tool can be accessed online.”

Round about this time, I realised that I belonged to the 17 million crazies with *menthol health challenges that makes up a third of the people of the RSA.

Can you imagine using the following pick-up line on a lady whom you’ve just met: “Tell me, who do you work for?”

Lady: “We Feel Tool.”

You: “I see. So you’re a sex worker, in other words?”

“You pig!!!”

Slap!

*Ears will be ringing for a week, but I’m alright*

2nd Article:

The second article (in Rapport) is a review of a book by that cunning old Potato Head farmer: Angus Buchan. The book is written in Afrikaans, and is called: Begin die Reis. In English, this means: Start the Rice. Price: R39.95

(Yes, Sakkie, forty Rand for 80 pages of sheet paper is bloody expensive!)

Start the Rice works out to 50 cents per sheet. Baby Soft Toilet Tissues sell for just 2 cents per sheet. I’m just saying…

But that’s not important right now.

True to form, Angus tries to scare the living beejeezus out of his flock of gullible, mentally ill, potato heads.

“Ons is almal oppad hel toe!” he warns.

In English, this means: “We are all going to Die Hel (Gamkaskloof Wilderness Valley), Laingsburg, Western Cape. (Check it on Google Earth if you don’t believe me!)

Die Hel has quaint guest houses, tranquility, and some of the most beautiful scenery in the whole of this godforsaken country. Go to Hel – tell them Irukandji has sent you – you’ll fall in love with the place. (Tel: 023 541 1107.)

According to Angus, you only have two choices: “Draai of braai.”

Draai of braai,” means: “Turn or burn,” in potato-speak.

Now, as everyone knows: if you’re having a braai, and you don’t frequently turn the meat, you’ll end up with charcoal on the grill. So, once again, old Angus is preaching to the converted.

By the way, don’t tell the Potato Heads I told you this: Charles Spurgeon originally preached the “Turn or Burn,” sermon on December 7, 1856, at the Music Hall, Royal Surrey Gardens.

Spurgeon knew nothing about the refined art of braaing, nor could he speak Afrikaans – he was preaching about various methods of preparing potatoes.

I’m not implying that old Buchan stole these words from Spurgeon. Perish the thought! As we all know: Potato Farmers NEVER steal. I’m just saying that I’ve heard this curse before.

Lastly, I’ve often wondered how people like Hofmeyr, Schuster, Buchan, and Malema manage to attract such a large following of people. Now I know. Their followers belong to the 17 million people with mental health issues.

*menthol health challenges – people who are allergic to Vicks

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
24 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Dandelion WCape
Responsibility, reconciliation an...

The loudest voices will be heard. Unfortunately those voices don’t always express well-considered, complex or nuanced thinking. Read more...

0 comments 107 views
Submitted by
CraigJoseph
The Mugabe incident...

The immediate association with the name “Mugabe”, automatically elicits thoughts of one Robert Gabriel Mugabe, who is (in)famous for his dictatorial rule over our neighbouring country Zimbabwe.  Read more...

0 comments 1408 views
Submitted by
Mark Alexander
Zuma is not the problem

What amuses me is the way people think that if the Zuma goes the problem will be fixed… I am an old ex-factory worker who is looking at the frenzied hand wringing round the no confidence debate and its inevitable outcome.  Read more...

0 comments 617 views
Submitted by
Michael Georgiades
Cat Stevens and the unnecessary i...

Yusuf Islam (Steven D. Georgiou) Cat Stevens. Cat Stevens sang and wrote songs that touched the beauty within the emotion of millions of people. Read more...

0 comments 1500 views
Submitted by
Lisa Marcelle Hold
ANCWL - Once the again the ANC ch...

Today, the Deputy Minister of Higher Education, Mduduzi Manana, sauntered into court after a request was made to hand himself over for his bail hearing. Since when are those accused politely requested to attend a court hearing?  Read more...

0 comments 1653 views
Submitted by
Lutho Jett Sokudela
The Conundrum of 0% Fee Increment...

In my humble opinion, i think that we must be honest with ourselves in admitting that we are in a crisis. It's time we face up, chin up and be brave with ourselves in admitting our failures and those of government. Read more...

0 comments 509 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.