Sometimes, when reading the news in the morning, it takes up to thirteen articles to make me laugh. This morning it took just two. Thank you News24, and thank you Rapport.
News24 reported that a third of the people, living right here in the Ar-se of Africa (RSA), were mentally ill.
“Dr Yusuf Moosa, head of clinical psychiatry at the University of the Witwatersrand, said that more than 17 million people in the country are dealing with mental health issues including depression, bipolar disorder, potholes, anxiety, lack of service delivery, schizophrenia, corruption, and substance abuse,” according to the article.
But there is hope, Sakkie!
“Australian researchers recently unveiled a Twitter tool, called: We Feel. This tool analyses up to 32 000 tweets per minute – about 10% of all English-language tweets – for 600 words that are linked to emotions such as love, joy, surprise, anger, sadness, and fear.”
The article concludes: “The We Feel Tool can be accessed online.”
Round about this time, I realised that I belonged to the 17 million crazies with *menthol health challenges that makes up a third of the people of the RSA.
Can you imagine using the following pick-up line on a lady whom you’ve just met: “Tell me, who do you work for?”
Lady: “We Feel Tool.”
You: “I see. So you’re a sex worker, in other words?”
*Ears will be ringing for a week, but I’m alright*
The second article (in Rapport) is a review of a book by that cunning old Potato Head farmer: Angus Buchan. The book is written in Afrikaans, and is called: Begin die Reis. In English, this means: Start the Rice. Price: R39.95
(Yes, Sakkie, forty Rand for 80 pages of sheet paper is bloody expensive!)
Start the Rice works out to 50 cents per sheet. Baby Soft Toilet Tissues sell for just 2 cents per sheet. I’m just saying…
But that’s not important right now.
True to form, Angus tries to scare the living beejeezus out of his flock of gullible, mentally ill, potato heads.
“Ons is almal oppad hel toe!” he warns.
In English, this means: “We are all going to Die Hel (Gamkaskloof Wilderness Valley), Laingsburg, Western Cape. (Check it on Google Earth if you don’t believe me!)
Die Hel has quaint guest houses, tranquility, and some of the most beautiful scenery in the whole of this godforsaken country. Go to Hel – tell them Irukandji has sent you – you’ll fall in love with the place. (Tel: 023 541 1107.)
According to Angus, you only have two choices: “Draai of braai.”
“Draai of braai,” means: “Turn or burn,” in potato-speak.
Now, as everyone knows: if you’re having a braai, and you don’t frequently turn the meat, you’ll end up with charcoal on the grill. So, once again, old Angus is preaching to the converted.
By the way, don’t tell the Potato Heads I told you this: Charles Spurgeon originally preached the “Turn or Burn,” sermon on December 7, 1856, at the Music Hall, Royal Surrey Gardens.
Spurgeon knew nothing about the refined art of braaing, nor could he speak Afrikaans – he was preaching about various methods of preparing potatoes.
I’m not implying that old Buchan stole these words from Spurgeon. Perish the thought! As we all know: Potato Farmers NEVER steal. I’m just saying that I’ve heard this curse before.
Lastly, I’ve often wondered how people like Hofmeyr, Schuster, Buchan, and Malema manage to attract such a large following of people. Now I know. Their followers belong to the 17 million people with mental health issues.
*menthol health challenges – people who are allergic to Vicks