Following the whole excitement around Shapiro's cartoon of the Hindu god Ganesha, I have decided to start a new religion and church..."The Church of Me". I declare myself the supreme deity of my own religion, as well as the prophet (profit) and the saviour of my own church. I am simply known as "I Am".
"Are you Pieter Grobler, the supreme deity, profit and saviour of The Church of Me?""I Am".
Because I now have an official religion, other religions may not call me a heathen or infidel any more, as this will be considered hate speech.
No one is allowed to draw any humiliating pictures or caricatures depicting me or my church, as this will be considered hate speech.
Any attempt to ridicule my beliefs or my church will have repercussions for the guilty parties. These repercussions will obviously NOT include suicide bombings. As self proclaimed saviour I do have a responsibility towards my church, and I can't go around killing myself. Any attempt to ridicule my beliefs will be considered hate speech.
I declare that the supreme deity ("I Am") of my religion may not be mocked, ridiculed or insulted. Other religions can't use the name of any of their gods anywhere in my presence any more, as this discriminates against my belief that there is no god. I am the supreme deity of my religion, but I am not a god. I know this is difficult to understand, but even Christians have the same problem with their "god" Jesus. If you dare name your god(s) in my presence it will be considered hate speech.
Other religions can't claim "creation" rights any more as my religion teaches that no god(s) in fact created anything, and as such other religions are lying in an attempt to invalidate my beliefs, ridicule my church, discredit and insult me. This will considered hate speech.
My income (as a religion) cannot be taxed any more. Any attempt to question this with authorities, or even being questioned by authorities themselves, will be considered hate speech.
MY HOLY BOOK
I will make up the rules and laws of "The Church of Me" as I go along, and will publish it in a book called "The Big Ho-Hum". This book must be respected and held to be holy by all people on the planet. The rules and laws of "The Church of Me" contained in "The Big Ho-Hum" may not be scrutinised or criticized by anybody, neither are they subject to the law of any country. I retain the right to change the content and context of "The Big Ho-Hum" as I see fit. Should people dare to question or ridicule "The Big Ho-Hum", it will be considered hate speech.
HOW TO JOIN
To join "The Church of Me" you have to confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that "I am who I claim to be".
This is simple. "I confess with my mouth and believe in my heart that I am the supreme deity, profit and saviour of The Church of Me, and I promise to live faithfully by everything written in 'The Big Ho-Hum'. I also agree to blindly accept everything written in 'The Big Ho-Hum' and may never ever question anything written in it".
Done. You are now saved. Anybody who fails to do this will be subject to an eternity of torture in eVille (like the Christian hell). I have already secured the services of Liberace who will be the main source of "entertainment", and Bingo and Monopoly will be played all eternity long. I am also in negotiations with Kenny G's management in order to put on stage the cruellest punishment imaginable for unbelievers...for all eternity. Unbelievers will stay in eVille for only ONE "for ever", and not "for ever and ever" like the Christian hell. I think it is only fair. Two eternities are too long. One is enough.
Believers will, of course, go to MeVille (like the Christian heaven) where they will be pampered all eternity long with manicures, pedicures, beauty treatments and massages. A (seemingly) endless bouquet of TV channels will be available for "MeVillers". Shopping will not be a problem, as everything is free in MeVille. Just walk into any shop and take what you want...no need to worry about money. If you don't like the item you have taken, just return it, even if you have had it for like forever! Nothing wears out or breaks in MeVille, so there will be literally nothing second hand.
There is no discrimination in MeVille, and people from all races, cultures and sexual orientation are very welcome. Just confess, and join "The Church of Me".
No virgins are allowed in MeVille, as they all are already reserved for the Muslim heaven. There are no animals or babies in MeVille either, as they are all in the Christian heaven. No small children will be allowed. They cannot possibly have enough understanding to comprehend the great "I Am", so they will all go to eVille...for now. I still have to work out the finer details of this part of the "salvation plan".
If you have family you don't like, then don't tell them about "The Church of Me". By default they will end up in eVille. I will not hold it against you. Personally there are quite a few people I would like to see ending up in eVille.
All people from all religions, as well as atheists, are welcome in "The Church of Me". Also, all degenerate scum are welcome...murderers, rapists, paedophiles, liars, thieves, lawyers and politicians. Just confess before you die, and you will be welcome in "The Church of Me" and ultimately in MeVille. Remember to confess before you die, otherwise eVille is waiting for you! It is recommended to confess as soon as you can. Don't wait for death to come knocking! He might barge in unexpectedly, and then you miss it!
As a believer and member of "The Church of Me", you have no direct benefits on earth except the promise of eternity in MeVille.
You will, however, be required to do strange rituals at least 8 hours a day for a minimum of 5 days a week whilst you are alive. These rituals are called "work", and the exact type of ritual will vary from believer to believer. These "work" rituals are done in order to earn money to pay the rent and put food on the table. Once you die, you will immediately go to MeVille. If you kill yourself, however, you will have to join the hordes in eVille.
No "miracle healings"...sorry. Go see a doctor.
Don't expect any kind of assistance or miracles (like money, jobs, cars, houses etc). This is not that kind of religion. We believe in working for everything we want.
YOUR DUTIES AS A BELIEVER
Once the degenerate scum confess and believe, they will no longer be degenerate scum! The confession of belief in the "I Am" immediately cleanses the believer of all evil desires, and the worst scum will immediately have an intense urge to start doing good deeds.
It is advised for all newly converted believers to attend one of the hundreds of thousands of "Churches of Me" scattered all around the planet as often as they can. It has been found that socializing with fellow believers is wonderful for faith building. It has been proven that associating with like minded "I Am-ers" (as we are called) prevents one from being brain washed again and returning to old wicked ways.
Attendance of "The Church of Me" is not compulsory. Since it is a very personal religion, you can attend church right there in your own bed on a Sunday morning, or any time you feel like it. You can have church right there on the toilet if you so desire. Nothing stops you! "What is that horrible smell? Are you at church again?" "I Am". See how easy it is?
Should people question you about your religion, you can say with complete conviction "My religion is very personal". This way you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. However, if people ask and you feel like you want them to join you in MeVille, then tell them about "The Church of Me". If you are not asked, don't be a douche bag and ram it down their throats.
You are expected to help others where you can. You may never ever do any good deed in the name of the great "I Am", as it will immediately disqualify you from MeVille. Everything you do for other people MUST be on the "down low". For some new converts coming from religions like Christianity this will be hard, as they were used to bragging about all the good things they did. Persevere...resist pride and it will flee from you.
You are expected to obey the laws of the country you live in. This includes traffic laws like stopping at all stop streets and red traffic lights, not exceeding speed limits, wearing a safety belt, keeping a safe following distance, showing respect for other road users and being a very defensive driver. Pay your tax, but get a clever bookkeeper to minimize the reach of the tax man into your pocket. Don't bother with saving money or getting any life insurance. In MeVille everything is free.
You may insult your own religion as much as you want, and ridicule fellow "I Am-ers" when they do or say silly things. However, be vigilant for other people who attack the character of "I Am-ers". Although we are allowed to "kick and punch" our own, we do not tolerate outside abuse.
THE LAW OF THE CHURCH OF ME
"The Church of Me" only has one law: You will respect the great "I Am" and all other people.
In short this means you may not insult, humiliate, ridicule, oppress, exploit, steal from, lie to, discriminate against, attack, kill, gossip about or judge other people. Everything you do must be considerate towards other people and driven by self-respect. Be courteous, kind, helpful and respectful at all times. You may not regard yourself as better than other people, nor may you humiliate yourself at the expense of others. You must have self respect and dignity at all times, and treat all people as equals.
You also may never ridicule or criticize another religion, as you were once also part of some religious delusion.
Unless you were an atheist before joining "The Church of Me", then you are free to have a go at all religions (especially "The Church of Me").
Any contravention of the law will mean immediate expulsion from "The Church of Me".
FINALLY (FOR NOW)
I see a glorious future for "The Church of Me". I will start writing "The Big Ho-Hum" immediately.
"I Am" Done. You may do something sensible with your time now.
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