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A Friend Request from a Jerk

06 January 2013, 14:33

Hey Dickweed,

Remember when I used to call you that in grade 10 and no one wanted to be your friend as a result? Good times, good times. Just kidding. So I was thinking the other day about all the fun we used to have at school. Now I know you're thinking of the time we made friends, where me and a group of my pals shoved our hands down your pants and yanked at your underwear until they ripped. Jocked! Man, I miss those days, we must have done that to half a dozen kids a week. After the fifth or sixth time we did that to you I felt we shared something. No Homo! Anyhow, I was talking about the time after that, you know, where I took your lunch money on the threat of another "jocking" and then did it anyway, after I had bought a burger from the school cafeteria. I wish you could have seen the look on your face; surprise mixed with the confusion of being betrayed. It still gives me a warm feeling just thinking about it.

Anyhow, enough about the past! Let's talk about the here and now. It's 10 years since we left the School, and in that time, I dunno. I have this strange feeling and I can't make out if it's a kind of guilt regarding what I did to you and others when I was a kid, or if I miss the feeling of power I had over you guys now that I'm manning a cash register and packing groceries at the local supermarket. You know the one across from the school. Sometimes I gaze out the window at the kids playing football and wish I was their age again, commanding both respect and fear from those less physically developed than myself, or beating the crap out of them.

I see that you are living a somewhat normal life now, successful job, pretty girlfriend (you should really check your FB security settings) and it would make me feel great if you could add me, if only for the satisfaction that I would get from telling my other FB friends that I totally 'owned' you at school. That, and the treasured memories of growing up together, of course.

Awaiting Your Confirmation,

Generic High School Jerk.

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