I was, as usual, travelling alone and as a regular guest at your hotel I believe some issues must be brought to light regarding my time with you last night. It was the first time I was given access to the ‘Master Suit’ and in the absence of others I decided to treat myself to an overdue evening of entertainment and pampering. But due to the treatment I received from your staff, I have decided to write to you in order to let you know a little more about my experience and where I believe you could improve in the future. Make no mistake I am a very disgruntled customer.
These are the events as they unfolded.
For starters I found the canapés, a very expensive pair of Hugo Boss reading frames, to be a little dry.
But due to my hunger I gobbled up with glee.
The Antipasto that I ingested was one of the actual lenses’ of said frames, with the second lens just being turned into a pile of seasoning to be used later in the evening on the main course.
Obviously this was all done on the fine dining comfort of the ‘Master’ bed, which had in place what I like to refer to as ‘expensive sheets’.
Which I then decided to piss on.
As one does.
Upon the staff’s eventual return l was shocked at the ensuing chaos when they entered the room (which included a rather heavy flat handed massage to my rear, which I quite admit, I did enjoy) but the area now had to be cleared for my upcoming slumber. With this being a luxury experience that you offer, the language used by the staff consisted of a few choice words and I believe ‘Bitch’ was amongst them. ‘Little Bitch’ to be precise. You can imagine my disgust at hearing this being directed at me without having even gotten to my main course.
During this time of the staff changing the sheets, which was extremely overdue as I was beginning to notice a certain ‘air’ had taken the room. My main course finally arrived. I find it strange that your staff ordered out from a place called ‘Simply Asia’ when there is a kitchen present in the hotel but that is a query for another date. What further raised my ire was that I had to stretch and contort my body at all angles to actually reach my meal as the staff were paying me no attention at all, I was appalled.
I also could not eat on the luxury of the bed due to the poorly managed timing of the bedding. In all honesty the chicken satay skewers were average, a little wooden for my taste. Again I was reprimanded by your staff for what I assume was not saying grace before eating, as the female staff member in question mentioned Jesus Christ and God almighty on numerous occasions. It’s sad when religion is brought into the matter, don’t you agree?
I was then shocked and sickened that I was made to sleep on the floor, in what can best be described as a once puffy, dog like bed. It is here that I must apologise to your other guests as I decided to let the staff hear the song of my people.
A people being unfairly treated at what was once a luxury resort that cared about service. Once again I apologise if I upset any neighbouring clientele with what must have sounded like the ramblings of a mad woman. I had had a few sips of water and it may have had an effect on me.
At 3 am I arose in order to empty my bowels and bladder in the comfort of the hallway. The clean-up service did not even arrive.
I repeated said action once again at 5am to better results. Although this time it was your janitorial staff that met me with more verbal religious references along with some words I would not expect to hear from a construction worker let alone a high class resort staff member.
With being unable to sleep due to the emotional trauma I had now suffered at the hands of the staff. And what I can pin point as an incredible raw wooden skewer. At precisely 630am last night’s glass and chicken combination came to the fore, or more precisely, the floor.
The look of disgust I received upon trying to ingest what I had personally brought up in the presence of your staff was the straw that broke the Camel’s back, or in this case, the regurgitated chicken skewer. How dare your staff look down on me for eating my own vomit? Who do they bloody well think they are? It was then taken away from me without so much as an offer to even plate my food so that I could re-eat it.
I finally found a few hours of sleep after this incident but when I rose with the promise of scheduled brunch. I found nothing on offer and the male staff member sleeping. The female member of staff I can only assume had ended her shift and I suggest you do not let her return.
I trust this email will elicit a response from you which is becoming of your establishment’s high standards. I look forward to hearing from you, if at any time you need to reach me, please squeak the tennis ball in the garden and I will get back to you as soon as it is convenient for me.
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