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A Quick Bible Quiz – Crucifixion and Resurrection

24 April 2014, 10:27
Before we look at this week's quiz I have to announce the winner of the recent Noah quiz - http://www.news24.com/MyNews24/A-quick-Bible-quiz-Noah-20140422. 
Not many Christians plucked up the courage to deal with the contradictions and impossibilities of the Noah story but we did have a guy calling himself No OhNo make this effort:
“Anyway, you can deny as much as you like but to those of us who have a relationship with God and have experience (sic) his miracles and what he has done for us will not be swayed.” 
Congratulations Mister No Ohno for this incredible response which so clearly explained everything.
The rules are as before:
 - Select only one answer choice from a list of five choices. - Anyone may answer the questions irrespective of their religious affiliations or mental state. - All answers must be supported by an explanation for your interpretation. Only answers using the “proper context™” are admissible. - Do not try to give all possible 40000 different answers and explanations to each question. - Cheating is permitted and you may freely copy and paste your explanations from religious or other web sites. - The default answer to any unanswered question is e).

Today's quiz requires expert interpretation and contextual understanding of some of the many contradictions that appear in the Gospels regarding the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.  Good luck.

Question #1: How many robbers and thieves reviled Jesus on the cross?
Luke 23:39 says, “Then one of the criminals who were hanged blasphemed Him, saying, ‘If You are the Christ, save Yourself and us’ ”
Matthew and Mark on the other hand contradict this with the following:
“Even the robbers who were crucified with Him reviled Him” - Matthew 27:44.“Even those who were crucified with Him reviled Him” - Mark 15:32.
This can be explained by -
a) – A theological interpretation and only a †rue™ Bible believing Christian can reconcile all contradictions.
b) – One of the well hung thieves was an atheist who challenged god Jesus to actually do something to prove his divinity.  God Jesus failed and was nailed up anyway.
c) - Both equals two or three divided by two  therefore one can equal two or three which is certainly less than four therefore there is no contradiction.
d) – No one, not even the Romans or the Jews,  ever recorded anything about Jesus until decades after he  supposedly  existed.  There are no contemporary witnesses so the contradictions can be put down to hearsay, invention and/or fantasy .
e) -  I am confused. I don't know. I don't want to know. I believe anyway. God works in mysterious ways.

Question #2:  What did Jesus say on the cross.
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” - Luke 23:34: “Truly, I say to you today, you will be with me in paradise.” - Luke 23:43: “Woman, behold your son. Behold your mother.” - John 19:26–27 “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” - Matthew 27:46 & Mark 15:34 “I thirst.” - John 19:28 “It is finished.” - John 19:29-30 “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” - Luke 23:46 
Not one of the gospels contains all of the  sayings attributed to Jesus.  Why is this?
a) – If you write fiction and make up stuff you are more likely to include contradictions.
b) – The compilers didn't care as they knew that religious believers are klutzes and wouldn't notice.
c) - He actually said both, all, neither, the same, either one.  It depends on the context.
d) – Jesus was on a suicide mission and actually only said, “For gods sake can we get this over with so I can go back to Heaven and be my own father again”.
e) -  I am confused. I don't know. I don't want to know. I believe anyway. God works in mysterious ways.

Question #3:  How many women were at the tomb?
Matthew 27:61, 28:1 says two.“And Mary Magdalene was there, and the other Mary, sitting opposite the grave. .     Now after the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to look at the grave.” 
Luke 23:55-24:10 says a crowd. “Now they were Mary Magdalene and Joanna and Mary the mother of James; also the other women with them were telling these things to the apostles.”
John 20:1-2  says one.“Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came early to the tomb, while it was still dark, and saw the stone already taken away from the tomb.”
Who made up this stuff and why are these numbers so contradictory?
a) – The gospels were compiled by men.  The Bible despises women as evil and of no consequence so who cares how many there were and what they had to say. 
b) – The women were illiterate and could not count.  They asked their husbands as required in Corinthians 14:34-36 and the men wondered what all the hysterical women were fussing about. 
c) – 1 = 5 +=> 2 <> 5 = 1 depending upon the context.
d) – Mary had a little lamb and an Easter Bunny.
e) -   I am confused. I don't know. I don't want to know. I believe anyway. God works in mysterious ways.


Question #4: Who was at the tomb when the woman/women arrived?
One angel - Matthew 28:2, Mark 16:5 
Two angels - Luke 24:3-4 , John 20:11-12 
No angels -  The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gospel_of_the_Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
Which of the following interpretations is correct?
a) – There were two zombie stoppers sent by the Jews to keep the tomb closed and save humanity from the deprivations of new religions born out of primitive fantasies.  They failed and zombies started jumping out of their graves all over the place.
b) – Jim Morrison.
c) – One can equal two, or maybe more, depending upon the context.
d) – The same guys who wrote this compiled Oscar's affidavit.
e) -  I am confused. I don't know. I don't want to know. I believe anyway. God works in mysterious ways.

Question #5 : How did Judas die?
Matthew 27:5“And he  cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. “
Acts 1:18“Now this man [Judas] purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.”
a) – Acts is the right version. Your bowels would also gush out if you ate some dodgy samoosas.
b) – I don't see the problem.  If you toss 50 pieces of silver in the direction of a man in a dress, silly hat or smart suit waving a book of scripture you are automatically forgiven and absolved of any dastardly behaviour.
c) - He obviously hanged himself in a field on to which he fell when the rope snapped and he crapped himself.
d) – Judas did not die but became an eternal member of the Elvis Sighting Society - http://elvissightingsociety.org/
e) -  I am confused. I don't know. I don't want to know. I believe anyway. God works in mysterious ways.

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