As I write this all the pain and hurt just comes bubbling up to the surface and reminds me of all the pain that I had neatly stored in the back of my mind under the label "Unforgivable Hurt".
As I read Kiss123's article I could not help but think of everything that I went through with my own father. Alot of people would call my father a mere sperm doner, through out my life he has swept in and out of it as he pleases and has been absent for many of my achievements as well as struggles when I needed him the most.
Since I was a little girl I have learnt not to rely on him, he has his own life. His new wife, his new children- a neat family unit. God Bless my step mother who tried her best to help us build some sort of relationship.
He gave my mother a measly R500.00 maintenance a month, which as you will know pays for bugger all. Okay maybe school fee's. My mother worked her fingers to the bone just to make sure that we had food on the table and a decent life. He bought me school shoes once and promptly deducted this off of his monthly maintenance fee. Skip through the absent teen age years and he immigrated to Australia with his family and thats been that. Sure there were the obligatory once a month phone calls (which have stopped) and don't even get me started on the visit to South Africa where I saw him 3 times in the whole 5 weeks he was here. On his birthday (which he spent in SA) I gave him a call and asked if he wanted to do something and wished him a happy birthday to which he replied "Thanks, but *my cousin* and granny are taking me to Sterkfontein Caves, enjoy your day" Gee thanks for the invite Dad. This was March and since then all has been quiet.
All this from him used to break my heart and when I was young I used to sit in my room and pray that God would bring me a family. I have my mother and my step father to thank for being there for me during my worst and still loving me even though I gave them absolute hell during my teenage years. My dad was blissfully unaware over in Aus (even after my mom tried to make contact multiple times to help her) that his daughter had gotten into drugs, had got expelled and had had multiple suicide attempts- all through this my father remained silent and my mother battled through with the help of my step father.
What I have learnt is that you have the choice of who is important and who is not. My dad may have helped to create me but it is my stepfather and my mother who have raised me and who are my real parents, I consider my stepfather my dad and my step brother and step sister as my real brother and sister. One day it will be my step father who gives me away and walks me down the aisle, it will be him who will hold my first born and it will be him that I will look after when he needs it one day.
So I will pack away the pain and continue my life without my biological father and enjoy who I do have in my life and cherish them forever.
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