Recently, in Hertfordshire, England, the Most Royal Company of Foot in Mouth Inserters, voted to offer free, lifetime membership to the Honourable Jacob Zuma. He accepted with alacrity, feeling it was one more honour to add to his list of honorifics.
Not to be outdone, The Italian League of Liars met in Palermo and offered Mac Maharaj the post of President for life. ‘We have-a been-a having this-a club since-a Julius Caesar said, “Et tu, Brutüs?” and-a fell down-a dead. But-a never, inna all these years, have we heard of a man who can-a lie with-a such a straight-a face.'
Nathi Mthetwa and Jeff Radebe were mortified. They had been lying with equally straight faces for years and never been honoured for their deeds. It was only, they grumbled, because Mac was the Presidential Spokesman that his lies were accorded so much publicity.
Angie Motshegka was outraged. ‘Where do you think we get this Matric results? We can lie as much as anybody. That’s why we don’t want to give tenders to Indians no more. We know how they lie, but we invented it, so they are stealing our ideas.’
South Africa has come into the spotlight more and more of late, with honours being offered to various Government officials for many and varied deeds. Recently, South Africa received the cherished ‘Exporter of the Year’ award. Never in the history of this country, from its days as a Union through the heady early days as a Republic and a fully-fledged Democracy, has there been such mass exporting of doctors, engineers, architects, technicians and scientists from every field.
Said Pravin Gordhan: ‘People say our backs are to the wall, and that is good, because from there we can only move forward!’ When quizzed on the austerity measures he had put in place for the various members of the ruling party, and the flouting of those measures by Thandi Modise, the Premier of the North West, who had purchased a BMW 750i valued at R1 300 000.00, he replied, ‘You see how well it’s working?
She wanted to buy a Bentley, but decided to follow our guidelines and settle for a BMW. Our members are shining lights in our constant fight against corruption!’
‘In fact,’ he wagged his finger. ‘We are number three in the world on the Corruption Index. That’s an improvement of one position!’ he smiled proudly. ‘Anyone who says our anti-corruption measures are not working, is an enemy of our beloved country and the memory of Madiba.’
Thandi Modise, when questioned on her recent purchase, and the fact that she had three luxury cars while the residents of Mothutlung had no running water, replied thusly. ‘They are lying and are agents of the DA. There is plenty of running water: it just doesn’t run to their houses.’
When asked about the people who had been shot, she replied, ‘This is not Marikana. This is about water; that was about mining? Ai, ai, ai! You peoples from the newspapers and the TVs know nothing! Except the SABC and The New Age. ANC7 is also good, because they speak the truth.’
She wagged a finger at the assembled journalists. ‘What does my cars have to do with the water. Do you want I must take the water to Mothutlung in my car? Tchah! This is all the fault of Apartheid, that is why there is no water!’
Moving further afield, it seems we’re not the only country with problems. (You mean you really didn’t know that?) As far afield as Zimbabwe, there are problems, and I know it sounds improbable, if not impossible, because Juju has stated that Zimbabwe is the perfect model for South Africa to follow. They are the perfect model of an ex-colony. They have thrown off the yoke of colonialism and, hey presto! nothing works. And, of course, Juju is right and we are dogging their footsteps.
We have thrown off the yoke of Apartheid and, hey presto! nothing works. It’s like magic!
Apartheid was like a cancer, and we know how to deal with cancer: chemotherapy.
You kill off just about the whole body then, once the cancer cells have been eradicated, you allow the body to heal itself. This is, in principle, how it works.
So the ANC, in their wisdom, are destroying the healthy, working parts of the country and, once all vestiges of Apartheid, like English street names and working infrastructure, are eradicated, the country can heal itself.
And how will we heal the country? With Chinese medicine, of course. Chinese medicine is acceptable, as they are black (what do you mean, you didn’t know that?). Ace of spades has nothing on them!
So after winning numerous awards, and having a President who will rule until Jesus returns (or the Chinese take over, as they will then own the country), our future is looking brighter by the day.
So, raise your glasses
Kiss your asses
Goodbye for the final time
With elections round the corner
Voting DA is the crime
That will see you, dirty donder
Filthy, dirty, hateful slime!
For the ANC has fed you
Nourished and protected you
So make the proper mark in April
Or you’ll land up in the poo.
This message is brought to you by ANC7, the only independent News Channel in South Africa.