The following is a transcript from a secret meeting between the ANC, represented by Gwede Mantashe, Cyril Ramaphosa and Trevor Manuel. They are meeting with their advertising agency, R Sole, R Screeper and Brow Knows.
Trevor Manuel: Gentlemen, this meeting is called to order!
Gwede Mantashe: Hey, wena! Who made you the boss?! I’m the boss of the ANC, I will say when the meeting starts!
Cyril Ramaphosa: Hey, hey, magents, this is supposed to be official government business. President Zuma said Trevor’s in charge.
Gwede Mantashe: And who do you think made Zuma president? I’m the boss here, and I’m the one who says when the meeting starts. Anyway, I look like Lenin, who was a great and revered leader, just like me.
Trevor Manuel: Okay, you’re the boss, you can call the meeting to order!
Gwede Mantashe: Good, we can begin. You people from the advertising know the problem we had with FNB and the miners at Marikana, and the people in Sasolburg who are rioting because they don’t know how good we are. We are a government that loves the people, and we want the people to know it, or they won’t vote for us again. Mr Sole, tell us your ideas.
R Sole: Well, looking at the FNB saga, we think we know what it is. They call themselves First National Bank, when everybody knows Standard Bank was the first bank in South Africa, so we will call them liars and say they are corrupt.
Cyril Ramaphosa: I don’t know, magents, I don’t know. They attacked us by saying we don’t deliver. See how much building materials we’ve delivered to Nakhandla in such a short time. We must find something else.
R Screeper: Another idea we had was that the whites stole the idea of banking from the blacks, you know, like the stokvel, but then they corrupted it by charging interest?
Gwede Mandtashe: I like the sound of that. The Apartheid Regime stole the ideas from the blacks, then said it was their own. That’s why we must nationalise the banks, because it was our idea in the first place!
Cyril Ramaphosa: Eh eh, Gwede, eh eh! In Europe they had banks for hundreds of years, even before they came to Africa.
Brow Knows: If I could interject here? How about we say that Egypt had the first banks, and Egypt is part of Africa, and the Europeans stole that idea from Egypt?
Gwede Mantashe: That is brilliant! Do you think we can get Julius to go on the streets and say that to all the people, then we’ll tell him we’ll drop all charges and SARS will leave him alone? If he says it, the people in the townships will believe it.
Trevor Manuel: What about Marikana?
Gwede Mantashe: That’s easy! We say it’s a Third Force, trying to destabilise Comrade Cyril’s good relationship with his mineworkers, who are like family to him!