MyNews24 is a user-generated section of The stories here come from users.

Comments: 2
Article views: 813
Latest Badges:

View all KittyPinknBling's badges.

Age Analysis

29 November 2012, 10:58

Don’t you hate hearing men and women tell you how old they are and then how old they FEEL? It’s the most annoying thing in the world! Watching a 60 year old man tell you how he doesn’t feel a day over 30! Seriously? I think all these people have been on that vitality assessment crap and have convinced themselves that a computer can tell them how old they REALLY are. Take me for instance, my vitality age is 34. Stru! 34 years old.

Sure I don’t go to gym and I drink a little more than I should. Maybe I stay away from leafy green vegetables, because I don’t think green is an appropriate colour for food and so what if I shed a tear or two when I scoff down a plate of potato chips? That says nothing about my age. All that means is that I don’t believe in communal sweating, green food is unappealing and potatoes are the answer to the world’s problems. Sue me, but don’t tell me I’m 34!

I blame it all on Oprah, Woolies and Hugh Heffner! Check it: Oprah has these big ass birthday parties on her show where she looks absolutely awesome and goes on and on about how young she feels; this in turn convinces the 12 trillion women around the world that they really can be 65 and feel 40 (let’s ignore the 12 different pills they ingest twice a day as well as the hormone creams they rub on their bums every second night so they don’t grow hair on their foreheads).

The Woolies guys have really outdone themselves in their quest to make us all think we can ‘feel young’ by eating certain foods. They have turned the word ‘organic’ into the most overused word in the English language- I swear I’ve heard someone use it in a meeting about blue collar workers. If you’re not eating organic foods, you’re going to die at 20 looking like you’re 80! No one from Woolies has ever come out and said those ACTUAL words, but we’re all smart…we know they’re thinking it.

As for Hef- shame on you! Yes wearing your pj’s 24/7 is pimpin; but really? Seriously? You’re trying to tell me that you feel so young you’re dating girls closer to the age you FEEL?! Give me a break! These, my dear animals; are the reasons why people all over the world feel bad about themselves and even worse about their true ages. Look, Oprah has trillions of dollars; she can afford personal chefs, personal trainers, personal stylists and James Cameron (for the special effects). Mr. Woolworths has never had a KFC drum stick in his life otherwise we’d see Woolies ads with English chefs cuddling four-legged chickens; and Hef…well Hef has game…some call it money, but for the sole purpose of letting an old man die happy, we’ll call it game.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to create my own “ACTUAL AGE” assessment, and I must say I’m pretty damn pleased with the results. See, this assessment takes into account various social situations we may find ourselves in, as opposed to what one eats and how often one goes to the gym. For example, I laugh when someone farts or falls, I sulk when I don’t get my own way, I love the colour pink , I prefer to start my meal with dessert, I pull a face and shudder when offered spinach, I like bedtime stories, I pull faces behind my husband’s back, I interrupt people when they talk kak, I play bullshit bingo in meetings, I spend money then ask for it, I like Hannah Montana, I’m glad Barbie finally divorced Ken, I play Sorority Life on Facebook, I go to rugby games…but not for the rugby, I don’t go to gym 6 times a week, I hardly drink water (you’re welcome water conservation people), I believe fruits are for sissies (I’d rather eat sugar), I’d rather watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians’” reruns than take a walk and I’m still shit scared of getting into trouble with my parents. All this would make my ACTUAL age 17 thank you very much! So go out and create your own age assessment; I think you’ll be super pleased with the results.


Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Seun Lenin Mogotji
Death road

The infamous R 25 road of Death that link Bronkhorstspruit and Groblersdal! Read more...

0 comments 217 views
Submitted by
Kobie Nel
Med aids for pets and domestics

Pets cannot take responsibility for themselves and therefore the owner takes that responsibility on themselves. Read more...

0 comments 575 views
Submitted by
Themba Rumbu
The Racism that is SA Rugby

Heyneke Meyer must fall. White privilege within the sporting code must be fought from all angles. The best player must take the field. Read more...

0 comments 921 views
Submitted by
Bizaboy Shongwe
Selfless leadership

Are politicians addressing the needs of the masses?

0 comments 237 views
The Cosatu conference decisions.....

The Cosatu 12th National Congress ended today in Midrand and two contentious matters that everyone thought may not be discussed actually found their way onto the agenda. Read more...

0 comments 394 views
Submitted by
Michael Ernest Meder
OUTA on EToll Debr

I really believe Outa is "smoking something" - they are now calling EToll laws unjust and irrational, a far cry from their initial stance of lack of public involvement. Read more...

0 comments 1006 views


E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

Interactive Advertising Bureau
© 2015 All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.