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Age Analysis

29 November 2012, 10:58

Don’t you hate hearing men and women tell you how old they are and then how old they FEEL? It’s the most annoying thing in the world! Watching a 60 year old man tell you how he doesn’t feel a day over 30! Seriously? I think all these people have been on that vitality assessment crap and have convinced themselves that a computer can tell them how old they REALLY are. Take me for instance, my vitality age is 34. Stru! 34 years old.

Sure I don’t go to gym and I drink a little more than I should. Maybe I stay away from leafy green vegetables, because I don’t think green is an appropriate colour for food and so what if I shed a tear or two when I scoff down a plate of potato chips? That says nothing about my age. All that means is that I don’t believe in communal sweating, green food is unappealing and potatoes are the answer to the world’s problems. Sue me, but don’t tell me I’m 34!

I blame it all on Oprah, Woolies and Hugh Heffner! Check it: Oprah has these big ass birthday parties on her show where she looks absolutely awesome and goes on and on about how young she feels; this in turn convinces the 12 trillion women around the world that they really can be 65 and feel 40 (let’s ignore the 12 different pills they ingest twice a day as well as the hormone creams they rub on their bums every second night so they don’t grow hair on their foreheads).

The Woolies guys have really outdone themselves in their quest to make us all think we can ‘feel young’ by eating certain foods. They have turned the word ‘organic’ into the most overused word in the English language- I swear I’ve heard someone use it in a meeting about blue collar workers. If you’re not eating organic foods, you’re going to die at 20 looking like you’re 80! No one from Woolies has ever come out and said those ACTUAL words, but we’re all smart…we know they’re thinking it.

As for Hef- shame on you! Yes wearing your pj’s 24/7 is pimpin; but really? Seriously? You’re trying to tell me that you feel so young you’re dating girls closer to the age you FEEL?! Give me a break! These, my dear animals; are the reasons why people all over the world feel bad about themselves and even worse about their true ages. Look, Oprah has trillions of dollars; she can afford personal chefs, personal trainers, personal stylists and James Cameron (for the special effects). Mr. Woolworths has never had a KFC drum stick in his life otherwise we’d see Woolies ads with English chefs cuddling four-legged chickens; and Hef…well Hef has game…some call it money, but for the sole purpose of letting an old man die happy, we’ll call it game.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to create my own “ACTUAL AGE” assessment, and I must say I’m pretty damn pleased with the results. See, this assessment takes into account various social situations we may find ourselves in, as opposed to what one eats and how often one goes to the gym. For example, I laugh when someone farts or falls, I sulk when I don’t get my own way, I love the colour pink , I prefer to start my meal with dessert, I pull a face and shudder when offered spinach, I like bedtime stories, I pull faces behind my husband’s back, I interrupt people when they talk kak, I play bullshit bingo in meetings, I spend money then ask for it, I like Hannah Montana, I’m glad Barbie finally divorced Ken, I play Sorority Life on Facebook, I go to rugby games…but not for the rugby, I don’t go to gym 6 times a week, I hardly drink water (you’re welcome water conservation people), I believe fruits are for sissies (I’d rather eat sugar), I’d rather watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians’” reruns than take a walk and I’m still shit scared of getting into trouble with my parents. All this would make my ACTUAL age 17 thank you very much! So go out and create your own age assessment; I think you’ll be super pleased with the results.


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