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Alien abductions do happen

30 April 2012, 20:43

There are a lot of weird people out there - and I don’t mean just in our country.

Foreigners often make fun of our Tokoloshe - yet they believe in extraterrestrials. Have you ever asked yourself why alien abductions so often happen in America?

It has long been believed that aliens abduct humans. Americans seem to be their nation of choice. UFO’s also seem to have a fondness for crash landing on American soil.

According to some Googled sources, between 60% and 75% of Americans believe in aliens. That’s right up there with the Christians (76%). (Sorry, you atheists and agnostics, combined, only make up roughly 16%.)

So now that we’ve established that atheists have a better chance of being abducted by aliens than going to hell, we can proceed with today’s lesson.

In my never-ending quest of trying to discover the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything; I came across some websites with advice that can prevent those evil aliens from preying on us.

Were you aware of the fact that aliens telepathically immobilise humans before abducting them? Yes, it’s true!

According to Michael Menkin, inventor of the thought screen helmet - this device scrambles telepathic communication between aliens and humans. When aliens cannot communicate or control humans, they cannot take them.

The “Thought Screen Helmet,” is made of Velostat - a packaging material impregnated with carbon black to make it electrically conductive. It is used for the protection of items or devices that are prone to damage from electrostatic discharge.

Large leather aviator hats lined with Velostat, with secure straps, are recommended for making effective helmets. But any hat that covers your whole head and has eight sheets of Velostat will work. (Something resembling Malema’s beret; although no self-respecting alien would ever abduct him.)

You can make a thought screen helmet for R240.00 if you purchase Velostat by the meter.

Apparently the thought screen helmet has effectively stopped several types of aliens from abducting or controlling humans. Only two failures have been reported since 1998. (Shaik and Selebi?)

But, seriously, how would you know that you’ve not already been abducted? Here is a short list of the symptoms:

You have periods of time when you cannot remember where you were or what you did.

You have marks or scars that you aren't able to explain.

You wake up in a different place from where you fell asleep, and you don't know how you got there.

You have had strange occurrences in your life that you don't understand and can't explain.

You have the mother of all headaches.

Worried? You should be!

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