Dear MyNews24 users.
I would like to bring a very serious problem to your attention today. Lately, in various articles and comments, it has come to my attention that we have an oppressed minority in our midst – a minority that is being heinously persecuted and oppressed. With this little article, I will prove this oppression to you and appeal to you to be more tolerant, and perhaps join in opposing this crime against humanity.
I speak of course of the True Christian minority. I realise that this is news to you, but bear with me, if you would be so kind.
We all know that Christianity is not exactly a monolithic entity, with all its members believing in exactly the same doctrine. I’m sure I don’t have to name them all to you, and it would be pretty irrelevant for me to do so because none of them are “true Christians” anyway (except in the sense that they all claim to be).
So how can you tell the difference between the “true Christians” from the false ones? Well, it’s a little bit tricky because they all make the same claims based on exactly the same book and objecting to exactly the same stuff. Let’s just simplify things by making a blanket statement: a “true Christian” is any Christian who is persecuted and who stands up to such persecution bravely and unflinchingly in the face of overwhelming evil.
And who are the evil oppressors? That would be everyone else in the whole world, but would seem to be primarily child-devouring atheists, devil worshipping pagans and those scary faggots with their evil agendas.
I’m sure you will now agree that the “true Christians” are indeed a minority, what with every other Christian group, and every other person who do not share their particular doctrine being their absolute oppressors.
Now let’s take a look at the form this oppression takes.
• The Christian minority is absolutely allowed to speak about their faith in public, and on public forums.
• The Christian minority have the absolute right to gather in churches and share their faith to anyone willing to listen.
• The Christian minority have the absolute right to read, own , buy and sell their religious book(s).
• The Christian minority have the absolute right not to associate in their personal capacity with anyone they don’t wish to.
• The Christian minority need have no fear of being rejected, bullied or outed by society.
• The Christian minority in no way had to fight to have their basic rights recognised in this day and age.
• The Christian minority need never think about the advisability of publically showing affection to their partners (in the case of same sex partners) or admitting to not being Christian.
As you can clearly see, these are heinous crimes indeed. Especially that last part. That’s where the true persecution lies. It’s persecution for an atheist to publically call out public statements made by the Christian minority. It’s persecution for faggots to publically hold hands and use the same bathrooms as the Christian minority. It’s persecution for Wiccans to wear pentagrams.
You see...these things are deeply hurtful and psychologically damaging to the Christian minority. Allowing gays to get married absolutely ruined the marriages of millions of Christian couples. They were getting divorces in droves. (Oops, wasn’t that happening anyway? Perhaps not the best example there.) Society was absolutely falling apart. I mean, take a look at Canada! So peaceful and quiet, with free heathcare. Yeah, those faggots really ruined things over there. That’s totally going to happen here too now! (Oops...wasn’t that happening anyway? Again, not the best example, maybe...)
Anti-hate speech, anti-hate crime and anti-discrimination legislation is the next bit of persecution. So horribly oppressed, no longer being allowed to deny gays and atheists jobs, or to lead their workers in prayer. It’s all just made it impossible for the Minority Christians to worship. You see, all these laws also made it impossible for them to pray at home, or seek out a quiet corner to pray in peace. These laws also banned wearing the cross, or sticking “Jesus saves” stickers on their cars. Those absolutely do not publically out them as being Christian, and publically holding their wifes’ or hubby’s hand doesn’t loudly say they’re straight. So persecuted they are for being able to do that in public without nastiness ensuing.
So I appeal to you, my fellow MyNews24 users. Let us stamp out this vile persecution. Let us be more tolerant and accepting of our Christian minority. Let’s stop telling them they’re vile sinners who will end up being made into Swedish meatballs for the glory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and stop playing Death Metal at all hours of the day and night during our sacrificial rites and cannibalistic gatherings. Let us stop spitting on straight couples and trying to convert them forcefully to the pleasures of faggotry in the gym showers. We all know these things happen. Why, just last week, I heard of a straight man being beaten up in an alley by a pair of lesbians because he looked at them in a funny way. So please people. Let us restrain ourselves and stop acting like the baboons we all evolved from, and never mind the question why the baboons are still around. That’s advanced magic, and a secret we’d better keep to ourselves.
(In case it escaped you, yes. This was a satire.)
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