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Gorgon Zola
 
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An invitation to evangelise

17 September 2013, 07:36

To all the evangelists out there, this one's for you.

I was a Christian. Now I'm an atheist. Due to my atheism, evangelists try their utmost to convert me back to Christianity. This problem is not exclusive to us atheists. In addition to bothering atheists, evangelists lay siege to the faith of members of competing religions.

Until fairly recently, I emphatically stood my ground against evangelism. I considered it impossible that I could ever be converted back to Christianity. I was wrong; it is possible.

Having been a staunch Catholic until I was 16, I know a thing or two about the content of the bible. For me, two verses have always stood out. When I was a Christian, I found them to be impressive. Now I consider them to be the flaky musings of people who regularly missed the pill trolley.

If evangelists want to convert me (and a heap of other people) to Christianity, there are only four simple tasks they'll need to successfully complete. I shall now outline these tasks.

Task one: Move a mountain by faith alone. Impossible? Not according to the bible. Matthew 17:20 clearly states: "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.". If any evangelist would like a bit of practice before tackling that, I'd be happy to have my house shifted a little to the left; my driveway's narrow.

Tasks two, three, and four, are listed in Mark 16:18. It's like this: "...they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well." In terms of the first part, the evangelist is required to handle a snake and be unharmed. I'm not talking about a tame non-venomous snake from a local pet shop or reptile park. The evangelist will need to go out to the veld, find a Puff Adder, and give it a sincere hug. Of course, it needn't be a puff adder; any venomous snake will suffice. However, if it's a rinkals, goggles must be worn. Naturally, if the evangelist is an experienced snake handler, this task may be skipped because it won't count.
 
Now on to my favourite: drinking deadly poison. The evangelist must do the following: take a drive to the local superstore and purchase a container of drain cleaner. They'll need to swallow the contents and remain unharmed. That's a walk in the park. Right?

To cap off the tasks in that verse, the evangelist will need to cure a sick person by placing their hands on them. And no, I'm not talking about a runny nose or a nuisance cough. In order to remove all doubt that the cure isn't a natural occurrence (like getting over the flu), the evangelist is required to cure someone with a genetic disorder. For the sake of ease, numerous defects are listed here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_genetic_disorders.

If any evangelist can prove to me that they've successfully completed these tasks, I'll admit that Christianity is the way to go, and I'll happily convert back. Otherwise, they need to keep their nonsense to themselves.

By the way, after having recently presented all this to an evangelist, he informed me that these verses are not to be taken literally. This was after he said these tasks won't be a problem, then backtracked when I asked him to demonstrate them. Hmm.

So, which parts of the bible are to be taken literally? The ones evangelist A believes should be taken literally, or the onesevangelist B thinks should be taken literally. What about evangelist C?  Shoo, that sounds like a tough one!

I invite the successful evangelist to publicly convert me when they're done.

I wish them luck!
...they'll need it.

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