Red faced archaeologists at the Guatemalan National Museum have released details of an ancient Mayan list of excuses etched into the back of the museum’s Mayan calendar.
“We just never noticed it before,” said chief scientist, Tijuana Cajones. “I mean, who even thinks to check the back? Easy mistake, right?”
Billions of people around the world were left seething today after the much hyped Armageddon failed to materialise as predicted by the Mayan calendar thousands of years ago. People were left clenching their teeth at the prospect of yet another unexciting day filled with work instead of the exciting opportunity to shirk all responsibility, grab an axe and slay zombies who were once colleagues and family members.
The apologetic archaeologists, in an effort to quell worldwide anger, have released the list found on the back of the stone calendar by an amorous teenage couple last night seeking to escape the inclement doom by having sex on the calendar (and avoid dying as virgins).
“Julio said that he read a Facebook post which explained the calendar’s mystical, sexual powers,” explained the girl, “He also told me that virgins aren’t allowed into Mayan heaven.”
Taking the mic from his daughter, Dr Cajones went on to describe how the teenagers used their smartphones to decipher the hieroglyphics.
“It’s a sort of proviso should the end times fail to commence at the end of the thirteenth baktun [20 December 2012].”
The translated list:
1. Please ensure you’re holding this calendar the right way up.
2. This prophecy only works on Mayans or those who have
a) been personally struck by Bolon Dzacab, the Lightning deity
b) sacrificed their virgins to Itzam Cab Ain, the Earth Crocodile
c) rejected Jesus and invited Lady Gaga, the Inside Out Hermaphrodite, into their hearts and ears and bum holes
3. Please recheck your maths. Our numbers are infallible. Yours, not so much.
4. If you are having trouble seeing the end of the world, vigorously rub some Marmite in your eyes.
5. Eat toothpaste on toast.
6. Say “Pinky-Pinky” three times into a primary school bathroom mirror.
7. Xenu may have intercepted the marauding aliens, boiled them down and trapped in their essence inside the souls of Scientologists. Just kidding, Scientologists don’t have souls.
8. Unplug and restart your computer.
9. If you are still alive then you have clearly chosen the wrong god to worship and, by extension, missed your one shot at heaven. You will continue to live out your long, miserable life on Earth and die at the regular speed.
10. Actually, the world did end. While you were sleeping. And you’re all zombies. Zombies with false memories and an ex-NAZI for a Pope.
11. Please note: the Vision Serpent will not swallow your world if you are not wearing the appropriate ceremonial attire. This includes, but is not limited to, jaguar fur, emeralds embedded in your teeth and serpent contact lenses.
12. Only premium users of the official Mayan calendar would have experienced the end of the world. The rest of you missed out. Pre-order your Blu-ray copy of the once-in-a-lifetime spectacular now!
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