PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Yurra
 
Comments: 10
Article views: 3904
 
 
Latest Badges:


 
View all Yurra's badges.
 

Ancient Mayan list of excuses discovered

22 December 2012, 13:27
Red faced archaeologists at the Guatemalan National Museum have released details of an ancient Mayan list of excuses etched into the back of the museum’s Mayan calendar.

“We just never noticed it before,” said chief scientist, Tijuana Cajones. “I mean, who even thinks to check the back? Easy mistake, right?”

Billions of people around the world were left seething today after the much hyped Armageddon failed to materialise as predicted by the Mayan calendar thousands of years ago. People were left clenching their teeth at the prospect of yet another unexciting day filled with work instead of the exciting opportunity to shirk all responsibility, grab an axe and slay zombies who were once colleagues and family members.

The apologetic archaeologists, in an effort to quell worldwide anger, have released the list found on the back of the stone calendar by an amorous teenage couple last night seeking to escape the inclement doom by having sex on the calendar (and avoid dying as virgins).

“Julio said that he read a Facebook post which explained the calendar’s mystical, sexual powers,” explained the girl, “He also told me that virgins aren’t allowed into Mayan heaven.”

Taking the mic from his daughter, Dr Cajones went on to describe how the teenagers used their smartphones to decipher the hieroglyphics.

“It’s a sort of proviso should the end times fail to commence at the end of the thirteenth baktun [20 December 2012].”

The translated list:

1.       Please ensure you’re holding this calendar the right way up.

2.       This prophecy only works on Mayans or those who have

a)      been personally struck by Bolon Dzacab, the Lightning deity

b)      sacrificed their virgins to Itzam Cab Ain, the Earth Crocodile

c)       rejected Jesus and invited Lady Gaga, the Inside Out Hermaphrodite, into their hearts and ears and bum holes

3.       Please recheck your maths. Our numbers are infallible. Yours, not so much.

4.       If you are having trouble seeing the end of the world, vigorously rub some Marmite in your eyes.

5.       Eat toothpaste on toast.

6.       Say “Pinky-Pinky” three times into a primary school bathroom mirror.

7.       Xenu may have intercepted the marauding aliens, boiled them down and trapped in their essence inside the souls of Scientologists. Just kidding, Scientologists don’t have souls.

8.       Unplug and restart your computer.

9.       If you are still alive then you have clearly chosen the wrong god to worship and, by extension, missed your one shot at heaven. You will continue to live out your long, miserable life on Earth and die at the regular speed.

10.   Actually, the world did end. While you were sleeping. And you’re all zombies.  Zombies with false memories and an ex-NAZI for a Pope.

11.   Please note: the Vision Serpent will not swallow your world if you are not wearing the appropriate ceremonial attire. This includes, but is not limited to, jaguar fur, emeralds embedded in your teeth and serpent contact lenses.

12.   Only premium users of the official Mayan calendar would have experienced the end of the world. The rest of you missed out. Pre-order your Blu-ray copy of the once-in-a-lifetime spectacular now!

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
10 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Irvin Whitecomb
Why are our fuel prices so high?

Can someone please explain why the petrol price is so high if the price of oil has dropped by over half of what it cost. Read more...

35 comments 3353 views
Submitted by
Prenisha Naidoo
I will be proactive...

This letter is in response to articles on the death of baby Jamie Naidoo, We have the tendency to be reactive…we wait for something to happen, then suddenly we care, writes a News24 User. Read more...

0 comments 174 views
Submitted by
Christelle Delport
Transcendence

I recently watched the movie, Transcendence, and I once again realized how far people will go to deny or destroy that what they don’t understand. Read more...

19 comments 1134 views
Submitted by
Nunu
Ban Hunting Now!

This is far too emotional an issue, it should be dealt with realistically. There are risks to conservation if hunting is banned ... like it or not. Read more...

19 comments 1962 views
Submitted by
Brian Faul
The reality of a failed state

Hook line and sinker. That about sums it up for South Africa. We have been caught by the oldest trick in the book.  Read more...

7 comments 697 views
Submitted by
Andre Joubert
The Groenewald family I know

 Read more...

23 comments 547 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

2DAYS ONLY – 30% off Appliances

Coffee makers, blenders, fans, juicers and more. T&Cs apply. Shop now!

2 DAYS ONLY – 40% off books

Get 40% off when you buy 2 books. For two days only! T&Cs apply. Buy now!

Up to 50% off on outdoor gear

Save on chairs, blankets, cooler bags, umbrellas and more. Shop now!

Save on Samsung

Cameras, mobile phones, TVs, Tablets and more. While stocks last. Shop now!

Grand Theft Auto 5

Now available on PS4, Xbox One and PC from R649. Buy now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.