I bumped into an old acquaintance at the Spar yesterday, and she trilled: "So you own a backpackers hostel now. Oh, my word, you are so lucky to meet so many interesting people from all over the world. And, you are so lucky to have retired."
Language is sometimes very trying. It can take up to 30 minutes to order a pizza. Or a BazBus. But, their English is 100% better than my Russian.
What is more interesting is that many of my guests are of the no-name brand variety. The majority are named I.
Hello, I made a booking for next month. I can't remember the date though.
Please open your gate. I have arrived.
I am at the airport. I have not made a booking. How do I get to your place?
I need to come back. I left my sock behind.
Then there was One who had four names.
He signed in as Anthony John. The following day, I said: "Good Morning, Anthony."
He looked at me as though I was mad. "Where did you get that?" he asked. My name is Michael Ross."
I assume he was avoiding the Hawks. Or was under Witness Protection and had forgotten.
Some steal and lie. Nothing major. But, good basic training should I ever host a dinner party for the ANC.
Those, whose names I remember, could also be referred to as Utter Nutters.
Anna: "The details on your website are incorrect and I have snapshots to prove this."
On further inspection I saw the rooms, reception, gym, sauna, beauty salon and duty free shop. And a Casino.
"Very nice," I admitted. "But these photos are of a MSC Cruise Ship."
Sylvia: "I have to see your inner city. Will I be raped or murdered? I will be back around four. If I'm not, you have to call me. Here is my number. Are you sure you have written it down correctly? Let me check."
Going the extra mile, I called her and was told: " Stop hounding my every move. You are not my mother. I will be there when I see fit."
Hanna: "I knocked over my Coke. And, now there are six small ants. Come and look. I counted them."
Trudy: "I love this place. Maybe, I'll stay for a week. Here is a list of my demands." - Henna shampoo and conditioner. Big bottles. 100 pack of Earl Grey camomile tea. A large block of sliced Abbaye de Belloc cheese. This must be presented to me 12 minutes before I am ready to eat.
"If you are unwilling to adhere to this, I will be leaving now.
Unt she did. I asked her to.
Oswald: "Please gather some wood and start a fire. I would like to boil water in my tin cup to get the feeling of Africa."
Sadrina: "Your dog slept on my bed the whole night." I don't have a dog.
Bob paid upfront for three nights and another one for his return from a Kruger Tour. He went out and I have not seen him again. He did call though and said: "You can keep my luggage."
Ben: "I am busy with my PhD in Climate Change. You have wonderful weather here in Australia. Have you ever had any monkeys around here?"
"Not the usual ones," I replied.
And, you thought your boss was mad.