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Another 'Tiger Woods' paroled

21 July 2012, 21:04

In the news this hour: Another “Tiger Woods” will be teeing off on greener pastures very soon.

Convicted former police Chief Jackie Selebi was released on medical parole this week. This was announced by Minister of Correctional Services, Sbu Ndebele, at a media briefing in Pretoria. Selebi's wife successfully applied for him to be released on medical grounds. The department has announced that Selebi will be released from prison due to his condition, because the department can't offer the special care he needs. To elaborate further on the matter we now cross over to Senior Journalist R.Phiri, who single handedly discovered that the human fart contributes to Global Warming by approximately 2.3%.

Presenter:  Can you confirm Selebi’s release?

R.Phiri: Yes…The announcement of Selebi’s release was announced by Minister of Correctional Services, Sbu Ndebele on Friday this week. As you know Sbu is that rear end of a man, who failed dismally in trying to shove the E-tolling system down the throats’ of South African motorists. Selebi is being released on medical grounds aka medical parole …for those who find the term alien… medical parole simply means Shaiktitis – a disease which is quite common amongst ANC officials facing prosecution or the inevitable prospect of jail time.

Presenter: So his release was inevitable?

R.Phiri: The man clearly had it marked on his Bucket and To Do List…Ironically the first thing on the list was get sick, which was marked “checked”, second was medical parole which was also marked “checked” and lastly it was A game of golf with Schabir, which was marked “pending”…”waiting for golf clubs from Mbeki”…As in former oust South African president, T Mbeki…who analyst say had a hand in Selebi’s fate.

Presenter: By medical grounds…what sickness are we looking at here?

R.Phiri: A member of the Medical Advisory Board says Selebi suffers from end stage renal disease as a complication of diabetes and receives dialysis three times a day. Selebi will now have to pay his own medical bills; the announcement was made by the Steve Biko Academic Hospital in Pretoria, where he is being treated. Although his in the final stages of kidney failure, thanks to a divine power…he will still have enough power for a game of Golf, hence this is why I have dubbed the man Tiger Woods.

Presenter: But won’t Selebi's release send out a message that not all people are equal before the law?

R.Phiri: A Spokesperson for the ANC says it would have been insensitive of Correctional Services Minister Sbu, not to accept the recommendations of his release; in any case the decision by the Medical Parole Board was unanimous. In the same breath the Department of Corrections services says the release of Selebi on medical parole is not special treatment and apparently six offenders were also released on medical parole…but officials are keeping their names a secret…since the six are Selebi’s imaginary friends. If you not an ANC card carrying member…well than you have higher chances finding unicorns, the tooth fairy, lepricons and other mythical creatures like an honest politician. Hell you have higher chances not dying from your wife’s cooking. Other inmates also received medical parole…but through a pine box.

Presenter: So what does this release entail?

R.Phiri: Basically one more added criminal on our golf course, loneliness for horny inmates – with a fetish for men in uniform and one less idiot that taxpayers have to sponsor for in prison. His release will also impact our economy negatively; as Vaseline sales have plummeted – hitting an all time low. I guess in reality if you are a card crying member, the grass is greener on the other side…of the prison bars. Lastly do you remember the movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes? Well Rupert Wyatt, the film’s British director, says his planning to do a sequel in South African…since there is an abundant supply of Banana Republicans in parliament.

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