Anthony Bourdain, ugly American guy.
In case you missed it on Friday, the wannabe shock-jock of chefs came to our South Africa as our guest to shoot his “gritty” TV show. All he shot was his mouth off. There he is, in Church Square, at the Paul Kruger monument and all he can think to say is “ugly Dutch guys” and “assholes”.
Sorry, Anthony, if you find us ugly, etc. You see, it was obviously a different time when you Yankees, then us Boers fought against the Imperial British Empire. Naturally, when your colonial Americans fought against the Empire you were all male supermodels, you put down your rifles a five o’ clock, went home to dinner with ma an’ pa, and ate roast turkey and pumpkin pie. Then you had a nice bubble bath while Jackson your field slave washed your horse. And Mary your house slave polished your boots and everything else that needed polishing, right? Then at nine the next morning you went back to war, looking fabulous and smelling like a French poodle?
It was a bit different here in South Africa fighting against the Imperial British Empire. We couldn’t go home after the battles. See, the British had destroyed all our homes. And we had no one to go home to. The British had put all our women and children into concentration camps (yes, they invented them) where countless upon countless thousands upon thousands died. Anyway, there was no point in going home anyway, because the British had burned all our farmland and slaughtered all our livestock down to the last chicken. So, sorry if we looked a bit ugly and unwashed. Or starving and somewhat scruffy. If you think it was bad for the white Boers who the British considered mildly civilized, try imagining what it was like for the black “natives” who the British did not even consider at all. Try imagining over a million dead.
Your ignorant, unread and untraveled America audience may lap up the crap you spew, but I am afraid the rest of the world is a bit more educated. Lets take a random stab at the way you portray the world to your dumb American audience: There your are in Vietnam, squatting in a rice paddy, testicles deep in leech infested water eating a pig’s rectum like “real Vietnamese do”. Your ignoranus (look it up) American audience are all, like, oh my gaaawd! It’s so, like, awe-thentic!
No it’s not. I’ve been to Vietnam. There are restaurants everywhere full of, wait for it, Vietnamese people eating perfectly good pork chops. But you just have to take the worst cultural stereotypes to make you sorry audience feel better about themselves. Imagine little Chinh sitting at home in Saigon watching TV while he eats his dinner. Your crap comes on TV and he turns to his mom and asks: “Mummy, why is that fat, ugly American testicle deep in a rice paddy eating a pig’s rectum?” Mom would naturally reply something like: “Shut up Chinh and finish your perfectly good pork chop.” Or if one had to translate that into Vietnamese – “Kan tin yan kee fa kim!”
Anthony, you can’t just blunder in and do ‘Murica Kulture Lite. You have to delve a bit deeper and understand the sensibilities and the sensitivities. Back to the Paul Kruger monument. Imagine if I was doing a “cooking” show in your America and I did as much research as you… I’m at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. “Lazy bunch. Can’t even be bothered to stand up. And look at that expression on his stiff-backed face. I bet they all have carrots up their arses!”
See, it’s not nice to insult things that some people hold dear and whose whole families have died for. Come back to South Africa and apologise. We’ll have a nice braai and show you how to cook steak properly. We are really friendly – ask all your friends who were here for the 2010 World Cup. But make us cross again and you can ask the 54 000 Imperial British troops who we killed, against all odds, during the Boer War.
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