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Apologies to Bradley Sampson

05 May 2014, 15:39

For many years I have suffered from the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Syndrome. Even at school. But in my case, it wasn’t Mr. Hyde who took over; it was that scoundrel, Eric de la Vega de Castro. He represents my Darkside. He was the cause of all the corporal punishment milestones, dotted along the path of my youth.

Eric takes over when I least expect it. Sometimes wreaking havoc on scammers and spammers; sometimes helping the downtrodden and helpless members of society. But, what I fear most is when he plays a prank on an unsuspecting, naive victim.

Let me tell you about my latest episode with Eric:

It happened while I was looking at a photograph of a strange creature, which had been posted by Bradley Sampson, on News24. The photo had the following caption:

“Found this while walking on the beach at night with my two friends Kelsy and Jodie, it's seems very extraordinary and I've done a lot of research but no results. It's about 25-30cm in length. Found it in cape towns beach on Wednesday 30 May 2014. Contact me on Bradley.m.sampson@gmail.com Submitted by Bradley Sampson.”

Coincidently, there was another article on News24, about a woman who had found a “disturbing-looking creature,” on a Cape beach. You can read the full article at:

http://www.news24.com/Travel/South-Africa/Woman-finds-disturbing-looking-creature-on-Cape-beach-20140502

The lady, Leandra Visser, who discovered the creature, wanted to know “what the hell” it was, according to her caption on Facebook.

I remember looking at the photographs, and thinking that both of these creatures looked remarkably similar. And that was the last thing I remember…

Eric had taken over.

When I came to my senses again, I was laying on the floor, covered with lipstick kiss-marks, scratches on my back, and love bites with a splitting headache. Eric was gone.

And then I noticed that my computer was still switched on, and that the Dark scoundrel had sent an e-mail to Bradley Sampson.

This is what he wrote:

“Hi Bradley,

You have stumbled upon an amazing specimen of sea life – one that has been thought to be extinct for thousands of years!

Phylum: Echinodermata

Subphylum: Echinozoa

Class: Holothuroidea

Subclass: Apodacea Aspidochirotacea Dendrochirotacea

Commonly known as the “One-holed Red-brown Lump of Jelly.”

Ancient writings of Socrates and Archimedes mention these creatures which once roamed the oceans at depths of up to six miles below sea-level.

They are dangerous and should not be handled without protective gear.

The one you found is still a baby – they grow up to 10 meters in diameter.

I suggest you return it to the sea. Its parents are probably sick with worry and are trying to locate their lost offspring, as we speak.

Thanks for caring and taking the time to post this remarkable photo.

Regards,

Eric de la Vega de Castro.”

The poor, unsuspecting Bradley, had even replied to the scoundrel’s e-mail:

“Thanks a lot for replying! That's very interesting and am glad I came across it. But sadly it was dead when I found it.

Once again Eric de la Vega de Castro, my Evil Twin, has left me to pick up the pieces. So here goes.

This is the “Apologies” segment of my story:

Bradley, I am terribly sorry for what Eric has put you through. I am full of embarrassment, sorryness, mortification, and discomfiture. Please try to forgive him – he is of Portuguese origin – they sometimes do things like this. OK? Right. Thank you.

Here Ends the “Apologies” segment

But then I looked at some of the explanations offered by “experts” to Leandra Visser’s query, and I had second thoughts about Eric’s prank:

All Witless, chief scientist at the South African Institute for Aquatic Biodiversity (SAIAB), says that just because the creature was picked up on the beach at night, doesn’t necessarily mean that it was soliciting for some hanky-panky with land dwellers.

Theories vary, with some experts speculating that it was a puffer fish that had eaten a Muslim. Or a muffin that had eaten a Rottweiler. Or something that has eaten something else.

Another expert, Professor Chucky Riffiths of the University of Cape Town’s department of biological science, says it could be a *Klipsuier (Chorisochismus chorizo dentosaurus) that had dried out from sucking too many rocks. He says that Klipsuiers can reach 30 meters in length and have large teeth in order to feed on Muslims and limpet mines.

Well! I never…!

At least Eric was just playing a prank for the fun of it. But these “experts”…

They have no shame at all.

*Klipsuier – Rocksucker

PS       If anyone can help Bradley in his quest to identify that strange sea creature, please send him an e-mail. I’m sure he’ll be ever so grateful.

PSS    Save the country from ruin! Remember to vote for the ANC on Thursday!

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