Are you beautiful?
I had two nicknames when I was little, Khekhi and Masweke. Both owed their origins to the fact that my head, relative to the rest of my body, was quite big. Khekhi means giant head, and Masweke means horns. It goes without saying that I absolutely detested them. I wasn't a very obedient kid so I'd hear those names shouted at me numerous times on an average day. At times, depending on what I did, and who was calling me either name, I would retreat to my room or whatever place I could be alone and sob for hours. I've always believed in myself in all other respects, like academic aptitude for instance. I couldn't be any less bothered is somebody called me stupid or any other kind of insult pertaining to ability or lack thereof. But when it comes to appearances, my self-esteem had a negative gradient to it. I never thought myself worthy of consideration, or that anyone will ever glance at me with an eye of affection. Even now I sometimes find it hard to believe whenever a beautiful girl shows interest in me. I keep asking myself questions like, "what does she see in me?"
I've lost so many opportunities with so many beautiful girls because of my insecurities. I remember turning down a girl because I thought she was, and I quote myself, "a devil worshipper." I know, that preposterous, but that girl was so beautiful that try as did I could never find a realistic reason why she'd want me; concluding that she was one of those girls that go around winning people over to the dark side seemed more of a feasible explanation, I feel silly now when I think about it.
By definition, beauty in itself is an abstract concept, the presence, or indeed absence of it depends on one's perceptions, values, background, colour, etc. No one can be beautiful to everyone in equal measure. I've heard people saying that there are no ugly people, well I beg to differ with them on that one; there are ugly people, heck I believed I was one half my life. It's a fact, nothing exists autonomous of its opposite. For success to be valid there must be failure somewhere, for there to be good some bad must exist, and yes for there to be beauty there must be ugliness. I'm not a mean person, I'm very sweet actually, but I'm usually the first person to call someone ugly when I perceive them as such - not to their face of course.
Growing up believing that you're not adequate sadly leaves a lasting impression on you and that scar will always bring itself to the surface every now and then. A perception is just like an old habit, it dies hard, and sometimes it doesn't even die at all. Someone once said to me, "if you believe you can do it, you're right; if you believe you can't do it, you're still right." You are what you say you are!
One of my favourite songs is Cult of Personality by Living Color. One of the lines says, "I exploit you and you still love me," another says, "I tell you one and one makes three and you believe me." The thing you must realize is that the human mind is feeble and weak; if you tell a person something repeatedly they'll believe you eventually even if it's hogwash. Back when I was first finding out that I'm not really ugly, an idea came to me to put my new found revelation to the test. Remember, I said I'd been scarred somehow by my upbringing so please don't persecute me for some of the things that I'm going to say here. When it dawned on me, rather belatedly, that I wasn't in fact an undesirable outcast but a good-looking young man I had to do some boundary pushing to see the extent my influence over a female can stretch. I identified the most beautiful girl around me at that time and initiated what I called Operation Kate. Her name wasn't really Kate, but I'll use that name as a sign of respect to her - she was after all a very nice girl and undeserving of what I did to her.
Operation Kate actually started as a knee-jerk reaction to the one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I had been chatting to this girl on Mxit, we were in the same class in high school, and she came right out and said that she wanted to sleep with me - if I could find a nice place. As a dude I was never going to say no. But here's what she didn't know: I was still a virgin! When I took her to my friends place - his parents were never around - I froze while were still sitting in the dinning room and I made up some lame story about my dad expecting me back soon and so forth - it wasn't fancy, let's just say. That girl was so hurt and she's since deleted me from her life.
But more pressing to me after that incident was not the chickening out, if you want to call it that, but the fact that she came out and asked me to have sex with her without mincing her words or being subtle about it. Was I really that good, I wondered. And mind you she wasn't a shabby girl who was devoid of attention, no, she had a boyfriend in fact and she made it clear she just wanted a sexual relationship with me. That's what bugged me constantly prior to OK - Operation Kate - and I had to act. The thoughts that ran through my mind were, "how can such a girl not only find me attractive enough to want to sleep with me but to come right out and say it?" Again I wondered, was I really that good or was that just a flash in the pan? Is it possible for another woman to feel so strongly about me? And if it was, what else could I capable of? I had to find out.
OK was an experiment to see if I had that 'Cult of Personality' and after a whole year the answer was undisputable - I do. Kate was a wholesome girl with very strong morals and grounded principles. She'd only ever dated two guys her whole life, the one she was dating when I met her had been her boyfriend for five years - a lifetime in high school years. A dozen things were against me, her boyfriend firstly, and the fact that I wasn't going to approach her in the conventional way obviously. My aim was to push the boundaries so of course I wasn't going to court her in the normal way. My confidence came from the fact that I couldn't care less about the results or even her. We got to know each other first before I said anything, but when I came 'round to it the first thing I told her was that I get into her pants. I said it like that but in a cheeky, innocent-sounding way. She laughed it off as was to be expected, but OK had officially begun. I don't think I've ever said more crap to any one person, male or female, that I did to that girl. I told her that her boyfriend was a wussy and I that she should leave him. I told her that I was a thousand times better than him and that if she was dating a real man she wouldn't still be a virgin. Again, I'm not a bad guy so don't vilify me; I was trying to prove a point; it was hard-luck to the boyfriend, I guess. She was incensed obviously with my antics and repeatedly warned me to stop what I was doing even threatening to clap me if I didn't. Countless times she said she never wanted to speak to me again, but it was never too long before she missed my company. She ended up believing all the things I was saying about her boyfriend even though I'd never met the guy, she came over to my room one night and told me she broke up with him. She remained stubborn and adamant however that she wanted nothing to do with me. She called me names like pervert, ego-maniac, self-righteous, etc. And said she's never fall for a guy like me. But the eyes don't like and I could see them betraying her more and more every time she said that. When I was finally convinced that she was into me, I gave her an ultimatum - around August of that year, I think - that its I either I become her boyfriend or become her nothing. Against my expectation she chose the latter. I was out of her life for three months, something she clearly didn't enjoy as around November when I was writing my exams she called and said she needed to see me. She told me that she missed me and wanted me back in her life again. We started dating and slept together a couple of times but the realization of what I'd achieved me turned me into what she called, "a philandering bastard." She broke up with me but I would forever be satisfied because my childhood horror was now far away from me. I knew for a fact that I AM beautiful!
So, what about you? Are you beautiful? How do you know? Please she your juicy or spicy stories with the world.
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