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Irukandji
 
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Are you going to much?

23 January 2014, 21:30

This year kicked off, not with the month of January, but with the month of *Much. Can you much? Have you ever muched before? Why do you much? Or are you just another mindless mucher?

Let me tell you about my muching experience:

The first time I was required to much, was at school. We were called “school cadets.” They issued us with brown uniforms which only came in two sizes - too large and too small. (Mine was too small. Or maybe my cojones just developed prematurely. Be that as it may, I always developed a headache when I was dressed in my tight, ill-fitting, cadet uniform.)

On Tuesday mornings, we were all herded onto the school’s rugby field – where some of the teachers showed us how to much. After a fashion. The teachers really had very little muching skills. But at least they were teachers – not like clowns we have nowadays.

Then, after matric, I was called up to do compulsory military service in the Army’s Infantry Corps, SADF. Now this was when muching took on a whole new meaning. Unlike the teachers, the corporals had very big muching skills. We muched until our tongues were dragging on the parade ground.

We did the Quick Much by the Left, and the Quick Much by the Right, and the Quick Much by the Middle. We did the Slow Much by the Left, the Right, and the Middle. We did the Double Time Much by the Left, Right, Left, Right, L-e-e-e-e-ft. We also did the Mark Time (which was very similar to a Much), except that you didn’t go anywhere – you just stayed in one position and muched: left, right, left, right, left, right – until your tongue dragged on the parade ground.

I’m sure you’ve all heard: “An Army muches on its stomach.” It’s true – they call the stomach much: “leopard crawl.” The leopard crawl much is hard on the elbows and the tongue. (When you’re crawling, your tongue is much closer to the ground, Sakkie.)

We muched in threes, and in sixes, and in nines. We muched in Open Order and in Closed Order. We Advanced, and we Retired, while muching. We muched on parade grounds, in streets, and in graveyards. We muched in the rain, and dust, and heat, and cold. We muched in the morning, at noon, and at night.

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender! Sorry! I got carried away there!

We muched a lot in the Infantry. Our tongues became tough…

No one enjoys muching very much. Not even a Sergeant Major. I should know. I can write (WO1 Ret), behind my name. I prefer not to do so, because it reminds me too much of muches that have gone wrong.

But enough of my muching experiences. Let’s look at the muching going on right now on this godforsaken parade ground, which we call the Republic of South Africa:

The DA wants to much to the headquarters of the corrupt, communist, African National Congress, at Luthuli House, on the 4th of Much. (Actually, the much is planned for the 4th of February, but like January, February has now been renamed “Much.”)

ANC spokesperson, Jackson Mthembu said: “This much by the DA is extreme provocation to the ANC. We should remind them what happened when they muched to the Cosatu office in Braamfontein.”

(NOTE: The DA supporters got stoned on that much. Sies!)

“Muching to another political party’s headquarters is a recipe for disaster. ***HKGK.” Mthembu said.

DA leader, Helen Zille, said that she would lead 6 000 of her muchers (wearing their free DA T-shirts), on a much to the Loot Freely parade ground.

“Each DA mucher will represent 1 000 unemployed muchers who will benefit from the six million jobs that the DA will create if elected to national government,” Zille said in a statement.

And right there, I have much of a problem with Helen’s statement.

As anyone who has ever muched knows, you cannot “represent” muchers who are not physically on the parade ground. In other words: If Pietie Snoeks is not on the parade ground, in person, he is marked AWOL, and charged in accordance with the Military Disciplinary Code (MDC). Jannie Jammergat, Pietie’s buddy, cannot represent Pietie for the much – and let Pietie **hang bal in the bungalow.

Neither can 6 000 DA muchers represent 6 000 000 muchers.

Zille said the DA would expose the ANC manifesto pledge of creating six million jobs as “bogus.” But, what about the “bogus” 5 994 000 muches that she doesn’t have muching on her own parade ground? Shouldn’t they, like Pietie Snoeks, be marked AWOL, and charged?

And what about the six million jobs that Helen has promised? I’ll tell you in one word: BS.

Where is she going to get six million DA T-shirts, I ask you?

But that not important right now. Let’s much on, shall we?

Helen has guaranteed that her much will be peaceful. She has also asked her muchers not to get stoned, like they did last time.

In my opinion, a peaceful much is a waste of time. Has she still not realized that the only muches that attract attention, are those where the muchers burn, loot, destroy property, and clash violently with the corrupt criminals in uniform, who call themselves “The Police?”

Finally, let me tell you what a much is good for:

Getting your boots dirty,

Working up a sweat,

Developing a tough tongue,

And, making you appreciate a cold beer. That’s all!

But I’ll tell you something else: I would never have allowed the mindless masses of this country to much on MY parade ground. And I certainly won’t hand out T-shirts, or KFC, to a bunch of rent-a-crowd muchers…

*Much – the vernacular, lingua franca, colloquial pronunciation, of the word: “march.”

**hang bal – from the Spanish, colgar testículos, meaning: “to rest peacefully.”

***HKGK – OK, he didn’t actually say HKGK, but he implied it. HKGK means: “this much is going to be fun to watch.

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